Cujo–Stephen King

Okay look Stephen King: You just fucking stop it. 

Why do I fucking read these books? Why do I seek out this terror? This book was so fucking stressful. 

And I’m going to spoil things, so you are warned. I have to spoil things because I need to channel this energy of rage this book gave me into a posting because I CAN’T BE ALONE WITH THESE FEELS.

Let me first tell you what I thought this book was about: 

A psychotic dog that eats people. Thought it was possessed or something. 

Here’s what the book is actually about: 

A sweetheart of a dog that gets poisoned when he chases a rabbit down into a cave that is full of sick bats. Rabies type virus ensues. 

Sweetheart dog starts to feel sick. We get to see into his thoughts as well (thanks a lot for THAT Stephen King.). We get to see it take him. Which is so fucking heartbreaking. Moreso than if that was happening to a human because dogs are little rays of light in an otherwise dark and stormy world.

How dare you come after a dog Stephen King!!! 

I’m going to be cursing him until the day I die. 

Anyway. There are a few players in this book that circle each other (and I DO forget their names so I’ll just describe them.) : 

One: Hapless husband who goes on business trip. Gets calls from wife nightly for updates on life. 

Two: Menacing Mechanic, owner of Cujo, altogether unsavoury asshat.

Three: Mechanics wife and son, who leave for a vacation with her sister. Son is the true owner/friend of Cujo. Kid is a sensitive sweetheart, wife wants out of her life. 

Four: Neighbour and only friend of menacing mechanic. 

Five: The cops. More or less useless. 

Six (and most important.): Hapless Husbands wife and four year old son. Wife needs car fixed, is sent to mechanic by husband. Car breaks down there. 

And hell fucking breaks loose. 

Now here’s how things went: Dog got sick. Dog turns slowly but surely. He eats mechanics friend. Then Mechanic goes to visit his friend because they are supposed to go fishing or something because the wife and kid went on vacation. Mechanic gets eaten at some point. 

Hapless husband forgets to check in with wife and son and after DAYS finally notices she hasn’t been calling either and calls the cops. 

Mechanics wife and kid are having a grand old time, although the kid just KNOWS something is wrong with Cujo even from afar.

Cut to: The hapless families wife and son are packing up snacks and whatnot for a small drive to the mechanics out of town just in case the car breaks down on the side of the road before they can even get to the farmhouse. 

And this is stressful for me because at the time I was looking after my four year old cousin and I couldn’t even fathom how a mother wouldn’t do EVERYTHING in her power to save her fucking kid.

The heat rose to excruciating heights. Kid is dehydrated, dog keeps attacking car, but is getting more and more vicious by the hour. They are both dying. Everyone is dying. The mom knows there’s a phone in the house, knows the dog is in the garage in the cold. She tries once to run for the phone…but the dog gets her leg, then she gets stuck back in the car.

Eventually all the things collide: someone at the police station finally believed the dad that his family was missing and they sent a cop to go look around. Cop sees note that the wife left saying where she was going. (A note she wrote for no one by the way. She just “had a feeling”.) 

Cop gets eaten. 

Wife and kid still. stuck. in. the. fucking. car. The kid is delirious. Like straight up heat stroke, had seizure, etc. 

Eventually the cops notice that their other cop didn’t come back. 

And everything explodes.

Hapless dad comes back before the cops get there, he finds the wife who (in her delirium and idiocy) goes for a bat instead of the cops rifle/radio, and is now beating the dog to death. 

Cops swarm, wife thinks husband saved her (which was annoying), and guess the fuck what. 

THE KID FUCKING DIES ANYWAY.

After all that. I fucking threw the book. 

How dare that end in the death of that sweet little four year old.

Fucking Stephen King. A plague on both your houses.

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The Handmaid’s Tale–Margaret Atwood

*I’ll warn you before the spoiler comes* 

This is the first Margaret Atwood book I’ve even read. 

And damn dude. She came in hot! 

This book was hella compelling! (And far more well written than that basic bitch statement I just used to describe it.) 

As most of you know already this is a television show (of which I have not watched yet, but am planning on it.) and it was getting rave reviews. Which made me think: Hey. I should read that book before I watch the show. Get some context. 

I had no idea what the fuck I was walking into. 

No clue what this society was about, where this story was going, or what the fuck the characters names were. 

…and I still don’t. 

Just kidding! I really liked this book because while it wasn’t like thrill upon thrill, it was actually quietly compelling and a huge statement on feminism and society as a whole.

Just kidding again. I mean, I’m sure that was in there, but I never read into that stuff, I’m just there for the story. 

And the story was fucking timeless. I had no idea that it was based in the 90’s, I thought it was written in the 60’s because I genuinely thought that Margaret Atwood was older than she is. 

(Did I mention that this was the first time I’ve read her books?) 

Legitimately thought she was born in the 1920s. 

Like…she’s still alive. Thought she was long dead. 

I also keep thinking her name is Ann Margaret and I know that’s seriously fucking wrong. 

I’m not dumb, I’m just an idiot. There’s a difference haha. 

Spoiler Ahead:

Anyway, I really liked her writing, the story, where it went, and how where the characters ended up.

However, slight beef: She needed to actually finish the fucking story. All we see is that they are coming for Offred. 

They grab her…and then NOTHING.

 

NOTHING.

How dare you. How dare you Margaret Atwood. I trusted you. I had so much faith in where this story was going and you lowballed me like that. 

Ugh. So good though. 

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Summers Read Part 2

I’m backed up. Not…not in the bowel department. I don’t know why I feel like I needed to clarify that when you’ll see in a minute that I mean book reviews.

Either way. Here we are.

In The Woods–Tana French

This book was total trickery. 

In that I didn’t realize it was a series. I only read the first one, but now I need to read the rest to find out what the shit happened. 

This is about how kids were in the playing in the back woods in a Dublin suburb in 1984, and they only found one kid.

A parents worse nightmare. Two kids went missing and one was found covered in blood gripping a tree trunk and unable to remember what happened. 

20 years later the boy is a detective and he’s on the case of a 12 year old girl who was murdered in the same woods his friends went missing. 

He uncovers piece by piece what happened not just to the girl, but to his friends. 

Sort of. I remember being like ‘Wait WHAT.’ When it ended because it wasn’t finished and then I looked it up online and found out that it was part of a series. 

And then not committing to find the others and never solving the mystery. 

Not like me. 

But oh well. Someday i’ll finish that series because after rereading its synopsis I’m intrigued again! 

…Actually upon reflection that totally is like me. I stopped reading Game of Thrones three books in, I stopped reading Outlander after two books, I even stopped reading those Sweep books and had to return to them to finish them. 

My best friend is laughing at my previous statement of “Not like me.” haha. (She gets all the texts when I pick the series back up of “Hey…who’s dead and what happened???” 

Her memory is better then mine. 

Anywho: This book was interesting, maybe if I stumble upon the second book somewhere I’ll get back to it and solve that dang mystery!

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Weird Sisters–Eleanor Brown

This book was very enjoyable. Reminded me of me and my sisters. Only in that we are weird and so different from each other, and yet so similar. Really, if one of us didn’t have a sense of humour our family dynamics would be VERY different. 

Instead of making each other laugh, someone would’ve been stabbed a long time ago. 

Anyway, this book is about three sisters who find themselves back at home to help with their ailing mother. Their dad named them after three of Shakespeares leading ladies and only really speaks to them in verse. 

Which I would find infuriating, but also fun. I love Shakespeare. But I would’ve slapped my dad. 

Good book, well written, interesting story. Definitely read it. 

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I Know I Am, But What Are You?–Samantha Bee

Samantha Bee is (was, maybe?) the Most Senior Correspondent on the The Daily Show (In the Jon Stewart era) and is pretty damn funny.

This was a good summer book. Clever, well spoken, and had fun stories in there but not overwhelmingly political or heavy. But she also didn’t dumb anything down. It was lovely. 

I liked reading about her life and where she ended up. Despite the fact that people have always flashed her at weird intervals in her life. 

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Summer Reads

Hello Puny Humans:

I have a pile of reviews building that go as far back as two summers ago. Yeesh.

Here’s the thing with life: Stuff happens to you and then other things are forgotten about.

These books weren’t one of those things, but reviewing them was. Typical me.

But here you go! Time to really start to catch up!

The Single Girl’s To-Do List–Lyndsey Kelk

A decent summer book, I gave it three stars which means it was just good and I would pass it on to someone going on vacation to read at the beach. 

It’s about a make up artist girl who gets dumped and goes on the classic journey of self discovering all people who go through heartbreaking time go through only to make it out on the other side happier and healthier. 

She makes a list of things she always wanted to do while in a relationship but couldn’t because she was being stifled without knowing it. 

The list includes a make over (she always wore leggings and plain t-shirts…nothing wrong with that!), and getting drunk, going on a trip, and other typical things like that that would make a cute Katherine Heigl movie. 

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The Wedding–Nicholas Sparks

When I start reading Nicholas Sparks books I’m always in a mood already. Y’all know what I’m talking about:

You’re looking for a romance but you also know someone is going to fucking eat it in this book in an unexpected way that just makes you mad in the first place because all you were looking for was a fucking romance novel that’s predictable and lovely with a dynamic couple that you just want them to be happy at the end. But no. Nicholas Sparks likes to fuck with us. 

He’s an asshole. 

However, I gave this 4 stars out of 5 which means I absolutely adored this book. Which means (and I can’t actually remember this) someone likely didn’t fucking die at the end in a real weird twist of events! 

So, this is a sequel of sorts to The Notebook (and if you never read that, you should because duh.) and it’s about Allie and Noah’s son Wilson who has let the romance die in his marriage and he didn’t even notice. His daughter is getting married and he’s finally facing the facts of his own marriage. It was a really sweet story, of course, and shows that you can make a comeback even from an indifferent marriage. 

I really liked the message of this book. A lot of people could benefit from this story. 

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Never Have I Ever: My Life (So Far) Without a Date–Katie Heaney

This book is very special to me, and I’m betting you can guess why given the title of it. 

I always enjoy when I find fellow “weirdos” or people that I can actually relate to when it comes to stuff like this. 

This book was very well written, and hilarious, and made me feel a lot less isolated in my singledom. I am not alone in this compartment of life and that means so much to me. 

Even if I don’t actually know this person. 

(And if I know for a fact that this woman is now in a committed relationship because I follow her on Instagram haha. They look very happy together by the way! Gives me hope.)

Definitely read this even if you are in a committed relationship because it’s just such a great story/memoir on this woman’s life. And if you don’t know how to commiserate or even understand the single people in your life: this will help. 

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Melissa Explains It All–Melissa Joan Hart

Another unexplainable autobiography that I picked up at a thrift store. 

To be fair though: I was obsessed with Clarissa Explains it All and Sabrina the Teenage Witch when I was younger. 

Always have been dyyyyying for magical powers. Even if it’s not with a wand but with the tip of my finger. 

(That sounded pervy, but you’re with me.) 

Melissa Joan Hart has always been a favourite of mine, I’ve even watched ‘Melissa and Joey’ and genuinely liked it. (I don’t know why I said that like it’s a terrible show. It’s a hilarious and cute show.)

So why would I be like “Why would I read this autobiography?”…probably because I didn’t actually give two rats poops about the actual actresses life. Like I’m happy if she’s happy but I don’t need a background check, you know? 

But here I am. I’ve read the book, read her life, and now I DO give two rat poops about her life. 

Especially since she’s led an interesting and dynamic life. 

Who knew I would care so much that one of her boyfriend was a complete and total asshole? Or how happy I would be when she found the love of her life? Or that her families life would grip me so hard? 

I don’t know who I am anymore. But here we are and I loved the book. Even if you aren’t a fan, it’s an interesting behind the scenes of the movie industry. 

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The Tales of Beedle the Bard–J.K. Rowling

Can you even believe that someone such as I has never read this book in its entirety? 

Almost as insane as I still haven’t seen Fantastic Beasts even though I own two copies….and I read the book. 

I will 100% use this book as a story tale basis when I have kids. It was so sweet and adorable. 

I need more J.K. Rowling books, I always miss her writing so much and love stepping back into it and her world whenever it comes around. 

Even just seeing that font relaxes me.

Sigh.

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Happy Friday!

When it’s been so long since your own characters have spoken to you.

Here they come a’ knockin’ !

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Constant vigilance!

Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm–Kate Douglas Wiggin

Grain of salt here: This is a children’s book. And I usually don’t like childrens books that are classics just because I find them quite boring and like nothing happens. (Generational gap, I suppose.)

This was no exception. It’s about a little girl who is lovely, but a bit of a show off. She is sent to a farm to live with her aunts and is constantly in trouble for being…well an extrovert.

Hurts my feminist heart to see a little girls life being snuffed out and stuck in a box. No worries though, everyone ends up dead and she gets an inheritance to make life better.

I just couldn’t get on board with this book. I was reading it to my little cousin as part of our nap time ritual (at the time) and it put us both to sleep.

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Harry Potter and The Cursed Child–J.K. Rowling, John Thorne, Jack Tiffany

I wish I had seen this in play form. This was so interesting and cool! Even though JK Rowling didn’t write the play itself, she did approve of this and it’s based on a short story she wrote.

I missed my people. This is the only universe that’s ever felt completely like home to me.

Including this one we currently live in. Being a human is so boring sometimes.

So to be able to revisit it and see old characters, and see all our kids grown up and having an adventure was really fun, even if it was super heartbreaking at points.

This is about Harry as an adult and what’s going on with his children, as the synopsis concludes: Past and present collide and things get really super bananas.

Okay. They didn’t say that word for word, but here we are.

I really enjoyed this, for obvious reasons. It was quick to read given that the format is in that of a play and it’s for the characters to learn their lines.

I genuinely hope they make this into a mini series or something, that would be so cool.

Constant vigilance!

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The Rules According to JWowW–Jenni Farley

Guys…I know you know me in a sense. You know I read these types of books out of sheer curiosity and a sickness that I can only justify as “I need to know why this person thinks they can write a book and how on earth did it get published and who the hell reads this and takes this seriously and oh my god am I that person? No. No I’m not that person, I have a good head on my shoulders, I know this is pure nonsense. Everything will be fine. This is just a trashy summer book.”

Well fuck was I wrong.

I’ll admit it, as we all should: I judge books by their cover.

Just books, not people calm down.

Except…this books cover is a picture of JWowW dressed like a sexy teacher so maybe I was judging her a bit.

Except…that I kind of love everything she is about in real life.

Okay, now you’re just judging me. Ah well! She’s a no-nonsense mom who loves her body,  who can argue with that? (Especially since she’s definitely the type of person who would clock you. I’ve seen it. On tv. I watch Jersey Shore. OH SHUT UP OKAY.)

Anyway. This book was surprising! Because it wasn’t pure trash. It wasn’t like the dumb and painful Situations book. It wasn’t a trashy summer book written about two girls on the Jersey Shore like Snooki’s.

The cover leads you to believe it’ll be just about sex. You would think that she would give advice about like…boning and you’re done.

But in reality, she gave sound advice on how to treat people like people and with respect and how to behave in a relationship. And how NOT to talk to people like an asshole. It was really nice actually.

You would never get that given the cover, but I’m actually glad that I read this.

And that’s really all I have to say about that.

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Mr. Pip–Lloyd Jones

This. This book. Woof.

This was a case of judging a book by it’s cover and then not getting what I thought.

The cover is a fun looking mosaic of flowers, really colour popping look to it.

The actual story is beautiful and colourful and genuine and heart breaking.

Not to mention a fantastic story. This book sort of broke me for other books for awhile.

It’s a tale of thirteen year old Matilda who lives on an island in Papua New Guinea torn apart by war, and is constantly harassed by soldiers and rebels alike. Her only family member left is her mother, who is a God fearing and preaching type woman who accepts nothing but the utmost respect from all around her.

Their school is non-exist after so many people left the island. Then one day a man (Mr. Watts) helps the kids clear out the school of plants and trash and begins reading Great Expectations to the children who are allowed to come.

Matilda relates to Pip (the lead character in ‘Great Expectations’) in such a deep way. Soon the soldiers (or the rebels, I can’t remember) begin to try to find this Mr. Pip after so many kids are enamoured by the stories and talk about him as if he’s a real person.

This book came out of nowhere on my bookshelf, I just picked it up to read it and I loved it. It actually led to my reading Great Expectations again soon after.

Great book, must read!

Constant vigilance!

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True Story Tuesday

This is one of the more important things I’ve learned throughout my life.
I don’t want to do something: I just don’t fucking do it.

I don’t fall for peer pressure. I don’t succumb to the whims of others. I just say “No thank you.” (It’s still important to be polite.) I don’t need to justify why I don’t want to do something, I just say no. It’s fucking brilliant. And somehow I feel less guilty then when I would make up an excuse.

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I Still Shouldn’t Drink While I Read.

Or forget to post things for basically an entire year thus making it impossible for me to review books I read two summers ago.

But here we are.

What to say of these three books? Full Tilt, Full Speed, and Full Blast by Janet Evanovich and Charlotte Hughes.
These stories follow the people of Beaumont, North Carolina. There are twists and turns and fun and sexy men.

What’s not to like?

I always enjoy Janet’s books, but ultimately because they are so airy and easy, I forget them. I just remember this feeling of joy and laughter after they are done.

I definitely recommend them, they are always cute and have great characters in them.

I just forget them once they are done. Fantastic summer beachy books.

Constant vigilance!