Lamb: Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal–Christopher Moore

Fuck this book.

 I’m not saying this because it has likely been demeaned “blasphemous” a thousand times: I’m saying this because the ending was brutal. It’s no Spoiler Alert that Jesus dies, but the rest of what happened afterward was complete and utter horseshit!

 In general I liked this book, it was quirky and fun to read and in it’s own weird way gave me some Bible history. And the stuff that was added in was excellent.

 Who knew that Christ was training to be a monk with ninja tendencies?

 I’m looking forward to reading more of his work, it was well written and interesting.

Unlike this post, which is so friggin dry. Sorry, I’m sleepy, I’m not giving this book enough credit, but it deserves it.

Constant vigilance.

Heart of Texas: Lonesome Cowboy & Texas Two-Step–Debbie Macomber

Ah romance. Aaaahh…COWBOY romance. My new favourite kind! I thought I would happily be stuck in a Scottish boy fantasy, but alas. Cowboys have lassoed my heart.

 Yeah. I just said that.

 So this guy, his name is Laredo, his truck breaks down (don’t they all) and he hitches a ride with Savannah Weston. Her parents are dead (aren’t they all) and she lives on a farm with her brother Grady, who happens to be miserable and pretending otherwise because he has shit to do. Their brother Richard, the scoundrel, ran off with the family inheritance, and the other two are holding on by their nails to keep the family farm running.

 Enter: Laredo.

 He’s helpful, handsome, and falls in love with Savannah. Then he does the unforgivable.

 I won’t tell you what it is because that’s a spoiler alert and I just won’t have those in a book I think you would enjoy if you are into romances.

 The second story in the book is all about Ellie Fraser, running the family feed store (happily) after her fathers death and counting on her friends to leave her alone so she can get through it.

 Enter: Glen. And Richard. That’s right, Richard, the thief comes back in the last story and tries to snatch money from his family and then trick Ellie into marrying him so he gets the feed stores profits.

 Thank goodness for bumbling Glen. A man who doesn’t even know he’s in love with is best friend. (Who is Ellie, btw.) So romantic I felt like a loser for days.

 Sigh. I need a boyfriend.

To Say a Little Word…

Here’s The Queen Bee:

“If the Queen were smarter, she would probably be hopelessly neurotic. As is, she is shy and skittish, possibly because she never leaves the hive, but spends her days confined in darkness, a kind of eternal night, perpetually in labor….Her true role is less that of a queen than a mother of the hive, a title often accorded to her. And yet, this is something of a mockery because of her lack of maternal instincts or the ability to care for her young.”

-The Queen Must Die: And Other Affairs of Bees and Men

Excerpt from The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd

This Bums Me Out

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Can you see what’s happening here? In my beloved Chapters, THIS is what is going on. This is what the world is coming to! Sure, Jersey Shore is kind of funny in a “OMG, look at those fantastic idiots!” kind of what, who doesn’t love some hillbilly action in Here Comes Honey Boo Boo? I love cheesy books, I love cheesy shows, I love the general fool population like I love…well, court jesting fools. With a pat on the head and a cookie like ‘Oh honey, you’re so sweet. Dumb, but sweet.”

There is one thing that I haven’t been able to grasp as to why people like it and that’s Fifty Shades of Grey. I will admit to thinking she could write a sex scene. I’m no liar, you can still read my post on the book. But after attempting the second book, NO. Just a solid ‘NO”. I had New Book Goggles on. Like the first Twilight movie, I didn’t want to believe that something everyone loved so much could be so bad. (And not in a fun bad way, like Ruffio. [Hook, the movie, get it together. I don’t know why that guy is on my mind either, okay?])

Seeing this is a store where they praise reading and the Staff Picks are always great books, this just seriously bums. me. out.

A whole weeeeeird display to these books! Yes, it was hidden in the upstairs corner, but still. It exists. I’m betting that some poor staffer was making this display thinking,” Where did my life go wrong?” I know I would be. I’d also try to throw in some sneaky jabs in the display that only some people would get.

It also really bums me out that someone took the time to write that chicken cookbook. And that people are likely buying it.

It’s  bumming me out that I even had to write this. HAD TO. Because it makes me so upset to see that the dumb dumbs are taking over the world.

We need a Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, somebody smart, funny, and fantastic to take over this situation. [Not THE Situation, I’m so tired of Mike. We get it, you have abs.]

Just: Ugh. You know?

Constant vigilance would kill this kind of thing.

Plum Lucky–Janet Evanovich

I love Grandma Mazur. And she sure loves robbing leprechauns.

Okay, so he wasn’t a real leprechaun, he was just a guy in green pants…

 OR WAS HE?!

 Nobody knows. On the other hand, she didn’t exactly rob him. It was more they just got into a tussle over a giant bag of money and she won and booked it.

 Either way, Stephanie has to help her grandmother. And Diesel who happens to be looking for the leprechaun. And the mobster who is threatening to off them all if he doesn’t get his money back.

 This book was pretty great, I love them. (Broken record, right?)

Plum Lovin’–Janet Evanovich

I forgot you guys yesterday! I’m so sorry! If it makes you feel any better, I was eating at a cute little french-ish cafe and had a sub-par sandwich. But the macarons made up for it. Anywho!

A Between-the-Numbers book with Stephanie Plum looking for a little love advice. Diesel makes an appearance, which I love! I love a man with a dirty sense of humour and a little mysticism about him.

   Where I love that Joe Morelli just does things like looks down her shirt and sighs and then leaves because he’s too busy, or where Ranger just kisses Stephanie so she can feel it in her toes, I love that Diesel just goofs around with her. Never does anything without her permission and is just a complete sweetheart.

 So sue me, I like big men with hearts of gold.

 Like that’s a goddamn crime!

 ….I don’t know why I’m yelling at you. Okay. So plot of this was really great, Steph’s bond evader is a love guru. A love guru who is pretty unhelpful.

 Good book! Read it for fun!

My Dating Life

Since the one book I read this week is a complete and utter * ljsdflsjdflksjdflkjsdfl srjcpwejfksjf* and I just started a new one, instead of quoting something from my current book this week I thought that I would sum up my dating life for you:

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I’ve actually had this conversation. Twice. And yup. Hahahahahaha nailed it.

Constant vigilance!

 

 

The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty–Anne Rice

*Fans self *

 This book is for my lovely dirty birds. Now, you know I love a good dirty joke, a good dirty story, and a well-written book.

 This didn’t have dirty jokes in it, but this book was really great! I kept seeing this book in thrift stores and I was wondering why this broad was naked on the cover (in a tasteful artsy way) and what exactly Anne Rice meant by “claiming”…

 Well. You find out. You find out within the first two pages. And then you just kind of stare with your mouth open throughout the entire book between bouts of laughter because you are an inexperienced child with an immaturity that makes it impossible for you to take something like this too seriously…

 Overshare?

 Probably. BUT it was so well-written that I think from now on when I see that blooooooody Fifty Shades of Grey in a bookstore I’m going to find this Sleeping Beauty series and cover FSoG with SB because it’s B.S.

 FSoG is NOT erotica. It’s not. It’s not even BDSM. Not at least compared to Sleeping Beauty. This was boooonkers.

    The story is (obviously) about Sleeping Beauty, and the Prince busts into the castle and then wakes her up…with his penis. (I’m now laughing at the word ‘penis’. Because in my mind the way that I said that was like Captain Hammer…’The Hammer is my penis’. Don’t judge me! Watch Dr. Horrible!)

 He literally wakes up the princess by having sex with her and ending the curse. And then takes her to his castle where princesses and princes from all the realms are sex slaves to that realm.

 It’s dirty. Like waaaaaay dirtier than anything I’ve ever read. And it was fantastic because I was so impressed that it was written properly given the subject matter. It would’ve been really easy for Anne Rice to phone it in. But she didn’t and whoa. Just whoa.

Three Blind Mice–Agatha Christie

I’m not going to lie to you: I don’t remember much of this book. I’m not a short story person. I’m just not. And when they have ridiculous murders and things like that I’m really not into it. Which is sad because I really thought that I would like Agatha Christie’s stuff.

            It’s kind of like meeting your hero and finding out they are a bit of a douchebag. I just found out that a writer that I thought I would love doesn’t inspire me much and isn’t a complete genius. Which really troubles me. I’m sure that I will find eventually one that I absolutely adore, but I’m not really into the “Whodunnit” kind of thing right now so I think that maybe in the future I’ll love something else of hers.

   This one starts out with a murder in a hotel, people are bitches, there’s a snowstorm, everyone thinks it was someone else and then it ….

Oh my God. Just as I’m writing about it I’m remembering what I read. THIS short story I liked because the ending blew my mind.

This just goes to show you that I shouldn’t review books months after reading them.

The rest of the short stories in there weren’t the greatest, but this one and the Tape Measure Murder one were pretty good.

I think I need to write “constant vigilance” on my bookshelf to remind myself to write these right after I read them.

But I can guarantee that things like Divergent and Stephen King books would just be a lot of screaming.

To Say a little Word…

My boyfriend Tobias:

He hooks his thumb in one of his belt loops and says, “How are you, Beatrice?”

“Did you just call me Beatrice?”

“Thought I would give it a try.” He smiles. “Not good?”

Four, Tobias, from Insurgent. Not the best quote, but it made me chuckle and I’m sure I can find another one soon.

Have a great Turkey Day!