Keep Moving Forward

I need to get something off my chest and it’s not going to sound pretty. And it’s going to be a little long today.

I’d like to start off by saying that I’m not going into detail of the actual cause of my emotions, or the thing that made me cry every thirty seconds all week, or in general the down and dirty of what happens to a girls body during her period. So don’t panic boys.

But I am going to talk about what my family lovingly refers to as Shark Week and Red Dawn. (And currently The Red Wedding.) I’m talking about this past weeks period where I was an emotional wreck and was easily hurt by the fact that everyone around me is getting married and having babies when I haven’t ever had a long lasting romantic relationship let alone entanglement. Normally, I could care less, I won’t lie and say I don’t get lonely, I won’t lie and say I don’t think about it. I do. I’m a person with emotions and feelings even though people think because I’m quiet and don’t react like a “normal” person that I’m a robot.

Like that Robyn song says “Fembots having feelings too.”

But normally I’m just puttering around like an old man doing things and not really thinking about that void in my life.

So here’s my beef with Red Dawn and the way it magnifies things. I’m over the moon that my friends and family members are finding the loves of their lives and having kids. I love love and all manners of it, so when my friends find that person they want to spend the rest of their lives together I actually do listen happily as they talk about them. And I love kids! I’m genuinely happy that they are all growing and changing and generally happy with their lives. Here’s the dirty little secret I think sometimes though “Thank God that’s not me.” And that’s only because I don’t think I’m meant for a shotgun life: Girlfriend—Fiance—Wife—Mother. I’m thinking it’ll be more of a mess than that.

Normally R.D. just makes me angry and irritated. I quarantine myself in my room because I’m so angry that if anyone even breathes near me I want to pull their hair out. Once in a blue moon do I get the weepy Shark Week. But this week was brutal. I cried more than I have in my entire life and all because I got two wedding invites that said “And Guest”. I don’t normally give a rats ass about this kind of thing. I blow it off and don’t add a date to a wedding because I don’t date. Who would I ask? Who cares? Right.

But this week because of the crying jag I was all “Why DON’T I ever have anyone to ask?” “Why don’t boys like me?” “Why am I always alone?” “What’s wrong with me?” “AM I a lesbian and I just don’t know it?!” (This one people bring up a lot. My ex-boss says it’s because I’m an independent strong woman so that makes people think ‘lesbian’. Which is a compliment both ways, as I see it. I think it’s because I don’t take anyones B.S. which is another compliment both ways. Generalizing high five! Haha )

“Why am I so repulsive?” Insert crying into a pillow and then going to find some Reeses Pieces to fill the void. I felt like a psychopath crying every fifteen minutes. It’s embarrassing but something that happens once in awhile.

Here’s another dirty little secret: It’s okay to be alone. If I had said this to myself while my hormones were all cracked out on Reeses Big Cups I would’ve nodded and continued crying while thinking how it’s not okay and I’m going to die alone in my parents house never fulfilling any of my dreams.

All that being alone is is time to figure out what YOU want outside of a relationship and in life. So I’ve been doing it for 27 years, big deal! Anything you do anyway will lead you to the right person as long as you feel in your heart and in your bones that you are on the right path. The road may not be short and sweet, but it’ll be worth it for those you meet. Fill your life with love and light (and I don’t just mean romantic love and acceptance, I mean self love, friendships, family, etc.) and appreciation that you are alive and on the move.

Keep moving forward and good things will come. You just have to get out and try.

And ignore your hormonal sad sack crying Red Wedding attending self who tells you you aren’t good enough and no one will ever love you because you are weird. There are plenty of other weirdos out there and we’re all starting to wake up and take notice that we aren’t alone. Join us.

If it helps: Tom Hiddleston is one of us. And Emma Watson. And John Barrowman. And Nathan Fillion.  And Benedict Cumberbatch. And dear Lord, just type “Misha Collins’ into Pinterest, I spent 45 minutes yesterday reading all the craziness that guy says and does. He’s amazing.

It is the rise of the odd ones and we should be excited about life now instead of hiding behind our false “normal” lives.

I’m not normal and I’m proud of it.