I have never been shy about how much I weigh. Even when I was getting close to 200 pounds I still didn’t care if people knew that I was that “heavy”. (197 bitches.) I still have a sparkling wit and beautiful face so the number didn’t really matter to me. The fat jiggle on the other hand, could go any time it felt like it.
I’m not shy in saying that I currently weigh (as of this morning) 178. Scooting back up to a higher weight does kind of scare me, not the number itself but because there are so many things that went wrong with my body the last time I was this “heavy”. My knees hurt, I got winded going up a flight of stairs, I could feel body parts wobble that had no business doing so, and every time I put something in my mouth I wondered how long it would take to show on my body. Usually three days. That kind of does something to your self worth.
I haven’t been below 160 since I was 20. So I’m used to my curves and I genuinely like my body. Hell, I’ve been playing with my leg fat since the third grade, I show my family my stomach and play with that too. My big rump is currently my point of pride since I actually HAVE a butt again. (Slowly turning into an ass.)
Some days I feel like a sack of garbage, some days I feel like the most beautiful creature on Gods green earth. Some days I feel like downing so much poutine that I could potentially go into cardiac arrest. Some days I actually feel sexy. (From a girl who has been deemed ‘cute’ and ‘funny’ her entire life this is actually important.)
I have gained 15 pounds since I’ve moved home and yet, I feel more one with my body than I used to.
I weigh one hundred and seventy eight pounds and I’m not ashamed of that number. There’s no reason to be because I measured my body parts yesterday and they told a different story (not to mention just the feel of them alone did, hello rock hard calves.). They told the story of a little inch gain here and there, but overall, nothing devastating. I compared them to my measurements from three years ago when I was on a program to lose weight, and it’s not catastrophic. Not like how the scale was making me feel.
I’m not perfect, but my body is a champion anyway. I may not be able to do push ups for long or plank because my bottom half is heavy and I fall over during work outs a lot because of it, but I wouldn’t trade Thunder and Lightning for anything. (Those are what I’ve taken to calling my thighs lately.)
I’m a huge fan of Jillian Michaels dvds and work outs and I’ve been doing her 30 Day Shred work out for the last year and a half (off and on because I go through phases of laziness) and when I was actually doing it every day I saw results. So I’m back on that train. However, I overestimated my body the other day and what it can currently do and tried her No More Trouble Zone workout. (Hello back fat, I’d like to see the end of you.)
Want to know what happened during this workout?
I cried five times. Yeah. Not once, five. It was tough, I was defeated, and I felt like my big fat body couldn’t do the things I wanted. I made it through 40 minutes of this 60 minute workout before my knees decided they didn’t want to be my friend anymore.
And then I ripped my shorts.
Talk about hilariously humiliating. The worst part is I didn’t even get to HEAR it rip. I just looked down and was like ‘Oh, okay, that happened…” after I’m sure I worked out for 30 minutes with it. It would’ve been worth the brand new shorts if I actually had that moment of RIIIIIIIIIP. Then I could’ve at least laughed on the floor at myself instead of finding it later and thinking ‘What in the hell?”.
Needless to say I’ll be working up to that workout. My body just isn’t ready for it, but I can feel myself getting stronger.
Here’s a little inspirational quote that gets me through the garbage days:
“I’ve got a cute face, chubby waist, thick legs, in shape, rump shaking both ways, make you do a double take. Planet Rocka, show stoppa, flow froppa, head knocka, Beat stalla, tail droppa, do ma thang muthafuckas.” –Missy Elliot.
Numbers are just numbers, how you feel in your body is more important than that. And lately, I feel great. Like a little flower growing in the sunshine.
Or a bulldozer ready to demolish. Whichever.
Keep moving forward.