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Keep Moving Forward

I have anxiety issues. You wouldn’t know it because I have a rather stoic façade most of the time. Or as other people call it: Bitchy Resting Face.

The only way you would be able to tell is if you checked my pulse. I don’t think I really have many tells besides playing with my hands. I usually wear rings and I tend to twist them when I’m nervous about talking to someone or doing something.

Sometimes I actually have to take them off because I’m so nervous that I’m driving myself crazy.

So how does a person move forward away from their anxiety and try to get on with whatever they are doing? Sometimes, you can’t. (Which usually leads to a panic attack.) And sometimes you just need five seconds of absolute courage to do it.

Hell, it’s only 930 in the morning and I already needed to use that five seconds to just send an email. Starting fresh with singing and piano lessons and I started to remember that I would have anxiety attacks in the car on the way there. And then have to eat something cake-like on the way home to calm me down. I have problems.

What do I say to myself when I’m really worried or anxious or about to pass out from making my own head spin with insanity?

“Come on you jerk, it’s just words on paper.” I know that doesn’t make sense in most situations, but Stan Lee said it and to me, it works. Because it’s all just a series of:

Come on you jerk, it’s only fifteen minutes of your life.

Come on you jerk, it’s just seeing an old friend.

Come on you jerk, it’s just a bunch of strangers.

Come on you jerk, it’s just talking.

Come on you jerk, it’s just singing.

Come on you jerk, it’s just trying to hit the right notes every once in awhile.

Come on you jerk, it’s just talking to a boy.

Come on you jerk, it’s just speaking your mind.

Come on you jerk, it’s just words.

It’s all just words on paper. Most of the time not even on paper. You can just toss those words right out your mouth and what are you scared of?

Other peoples reactions to the things you’ve said.

You can say the exact same thing to yourself while you are by yourself and what happens? Nothing. You just laugh at yourself for being crazy. So what I’m most scared of is other peoples reactions to things I do or say. And really? Why should I care what a stranger thinks of me as long as I’m being a decent human being? It’s not like I’m yelling how trashy they are or judging them or something completely rude. I’m just saying “Hello.”

What’s so scary about ‘Hello’?

Hello is the beginning. I love beginnings. It’s endings I hate. Goodbye is the worst. Which is why I don’t say it anymore. I “Irish Goodbye” at events because I don’t want to say goodbye to anyone ever. (Irish goodbyes are just where you leave without saying anything in case you are wondering.) And I tend to do that to the most important people in my life. And they understand. Because they’ve met me, like me, and although think I’m completely nuts, love that about me.

Constant vigilance and keep moving forward.

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