I censor myself a fair amount. Obviously not on here, I mean, I curse like a sailor and act like an asshole, so I wouldn’t call writing here censorship. Here: I call it like I see it.
But out in the world, these lips are zipped.
Which leads people to believe that I’m a quiet, thoughtful, smart, independent, confident, caring person.
Ha ha ha. You dumb whores.
Ever hear the saying “Beware of the quiet ones.”? Yeah. Papa isn’t just a rolling stone, papa is a bitch. A bitch with a penchant for cursing and a love of being a jerk. Unfortunately, the rest of the world doesn’t seem to like that and as much as I love being a jerk, I also don’t like to hurt other peoples feelings on purpose or otherwise.
I don’t literally mean it if I say stuff like “you dumb whores” “you stupid bitch” etc. I have yet to meet someone who is genuinely stupid. Everyone is smart in their own way, whether it be artistically, musically, sciencely, or mathematically. (I’m aware ‘sciencely’ isn’t a real word.) And contrary to popular belief, I do actually like people and give them a fair shot at getting to know me. I’m super quiet when I meet new people for a reason:
I hear more when I speak less.
And the less I speak, the more people say to me. It’s interesting and I like it and you get to know other people more, which I actually enjoy.
Today I picked my little cousins up from Day Camp (something their parents enlisted them in so I don’t drown their babies in the bathtub from too much time together) and I witnessed something beautiful. Violet doesn’t generally shine to people immediately, and if you cross her she clams up for a minute like she’s making up her mind whether to punch you in the face or just let it lie. (Hello kindred spirit.)
So, when some random kid sassed her, without a moment of hesitation, she called him out for being a dick.
This kid is eight years old and has more confidence and surety in herself than I’ve seen in a person in a long time. And I love that. She dances like no one is watching and even if you are watching she doesn’t give a fuck. She calls it like she sees it and stands her ground. (Sometimes so much I want to kick her.) Not to say that she isn’t sensitive or thoughtful either, she really is. If she knew how much I actually cursed, her head would explode. (I said ‘friggin’ the other day and she scolded me about how it’s a swear. No Vi, ‘FUCKING’ is a swear. Sigh. Kids.)
She has this thing about being called “Crazy” or “Insane”; she thinks it’s a bad thing. I’ve explained to her a million times that it’s a great thing.
So, here’s what I want her to keep hearing when someone calls her that:
Neither of these things is bad. They are beautiful in their own right. Don’t let anyone make you feel like they are bad things because they are wonderful. You get one crazy and fun and insane spark in your life, don’t let other people snuff that out because they have different views on what’s normal. Be sensitive, be caring, but don’t let people walk on you and don’t let them push you around. You have every right to be who you want, say what you want, and still be kind to other people and yourself.
That’s the most important thing: Be kind.
That’s why I censor what I say to people. Not because I’m trying to be mean when things come out of my mouth normally, but because the way I phrase things isn’t a known language to most people. My family and friends understand that the words that come out of my mouth are just the scalloped edges on the pretty dress, they are there for show they serve no other purpose.
By censoring, I’m being sensitive to other peoples languages and wording. Words are important.
I’m not stifling myself, I’m just being kind.
That’s how I can keep moving forward.
(I feel like that was a commercial moment where I wink at you with my hand on my hip.)