There has been so much going on lately that I don’t know what to update you on first. But I think we all need a little ‘Keep Moving Forward’ so here it goes:
I’ve decided diets can kiss my big fat butt. They can lovingly say goodbye to my Mighty Oak thighs. They can tell my stomach ‘Aahh buh-bye’.
All of this came in a revelation of guilt and sadness as I finished a bowl of candy cane ice cream. You know the kind with chunks of candy cane and chocolate crackle that you can only get this time of year? The ice cream that we buy in threes because we eat it every night because it’s frickin’ awesome?
Yeah. That ice cream gave me a revelation about myself.
Fuck dieting. It only makes me feel sad and terrible and I beat myself up when I go off it.
So I’m done.
Don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean that I’m literally going to go eat a tub of this ice cream. Or start eating fast food again, or pop, or anything that actually makes me feel like garbage and have gut rot. But I would rather have my holiday treat in a little ramekin and be a happy little duck that such a treat exists and I have the money to afford it. I would rather be “fat” and happy than “thin” and live in a world without super delicious foods.
I put those in quotations because I don’t actually believe I am fat. I HAVE fat, but I am not 100% made up of fat. So even if I weeble and wobble in places, that doesn’t mean I don’t have bones, muscles, or functioning organs roaming around in my body making up other parts of myself right alongside all my thoughts and tiny little heart and brain things that make me uniquely ‘Alli’.
Fat is a tissue not a mental issue.
This is not a ‘Giving Up’, this is a mental health thing. I’ve been beating myself up for being something I’m not and treating myself like something that should be super-human instead of what I really am.
A girl who enjoys food. Sorry I’m not sorry. I’ll try anything once and even sometimes give it a round two just to be sure.
I refuse to let myself be a person who will talk to herself like she’s trash just because she has some pudge. I’m more than the fat on my body and the food I put into my mouth.
I feel ridiculously free and relaxed by letting go this constant hamster-wheel of self-loathing. It’s quite empowering to look at my body and think ‘You are hot, not “even with” but BECAUSE OF your powerful thighs, your big round butt, and the softness of your stomach. They are just body parts girl, and they are working in your favour.”
No matter what shape or size I am, I will ALWAYS be pretty as long as I have a smile on my face and friendship in my heart. So suck it society.
I know that I can change my diet and work out if I want to be smaller. I don’t WANT to be smaller. I just want to be physically fit even if that means I stay the same weight or gain weight from muscle. For that, I can just work out more and be more mindful that while I’m not on a diet I’m still going to eat all my greens because I like them and not mentally kick my own ass when I eat something on the “NO NO NO” list. I would much rather work out than stop eating fun food.
The last five years has been a journey to this point. Hell, I’m sure the last 28 years have been a journey to this point.
I’ve done everything to lose weight and while I have successfully lost 20-50 pounds off and on from random diets and magical “cures”, I would much rather just look in the mirror and go “Hey Beautiful, someone will love your wobbly bits. And from now on that someone is you. Work it sister.”
That’s legitimately how I talk to myself. I’m my own sassy best friend.
Candy cane ice cream has saved my self-esteem. Who knew?
Keep moving forward, quit fat shaming yourself, and eat that fucking ice cream. THE CANDY CANE QUEEN HAS SPOKEN!
The Deranged Librarian 