Instead of writing a book review today I thought that I would continue to share my current journey. (Please hold until Wednesday for book review on ‘Lord of Misrule: An Autobiography by Christopher Lee. I want to do it justice so I’m holding off.)
In the last year I have gained 30 pounds. Usually when I move home I gain anything from 15-20. 30 is unheard of. 30 is fucking annoying.
I do not feel at home in my body, I feel like a stuffed sausage basically. And worse yet, because of my current depression: I don’t give a shit.
Luckily, I’m finally coming out of it. I don’t know what’s lifted, but there is a little fighter coming out of my body who must be buried under some heavy shit. Every once in awhile she will pop up and just yell at me to ‘Get up! Do something! Doesn’t even have to be productive! Just DO something!’
I was going to cancel on seeing my best friend in this last week just because I didn’t feel up to seeing people. I haven’t for three months. Which is why if we made plans and I canceled on you, it’s 1/4 the reason I gave you and 3/4s I couldn’t get up and shake off this darkness.
So finally my little scrappy Carol is coming out and fighting for me.
Yesterday she forced me to go to Michaels to pick up the string I need for a project, she made me go outside, she made me go see my best friend which proves to be really great therapy, she made me buy a ukulele, she’s making me call various places to get the things that I need done done.
Now if I only just felt like it. That would be helpful.
But the fact that I’m even working on it, and I’m trying not to push people away anymore, and I’m doing things is important.
Hell, I even tried yoga for the first time in 6 years again.
And I was right. I hate it. It made me super angry because I don’t have the strength I want and was building two years ago when I moved and things went haywire on me.
But someone pointed out that I need to forgive myself for that and move on. I need to keep moving forward and part of that is forgiving myself for past hiccups and building something new and sturdier. Nothing is going to be handed to me, I’m going to have to work…bitch.
So that fucking horrifying experience doing the Jillian Michaels Yoga Meltdown dvd is the first building block. I may have cried, I may have fallen over a hundred times, but I made it through 3/4s of that dvd with the pissed off determination of a rabid wolf. Until I planking to the side and lifting both arms and then all this other nonsense and I was just mad at her and myself and her again and then called myself names and cried some more and then proceeded to lay on the floor like a petulant child until she gave a speech at the end saying that it’s going to be hard. But if you are trying something new than that’s wonderful and powerful and to keep going.
No one is going to start with the strength they need automatically, you have to build.
And brick by brick I’ll become stronger and I hold out hope that this will sturdy my body as well as my mind and that even if I don’t shed the weight I’ll at least be forming it into muscle.
I have 8 days to finish my DietBet, I likely won’t win this one, but I’ll win the next one.
Now that I’ve gotten up.