Keep Moving Forward

Keep Moving Forward: The Beginning of the End.

First off, thank you every one for your kind words. And secondly:

Now I’m going to make you cry. Here is how I was trying to work through what was about to happen to my beloved bunny. Some people won’t care, some people will, I was just trying to work out my own feelings on things.

Tuesday, Sept. 22nd:

I’m sitting here hours before I make what will probably be one of the worst phone call I’ll ever have to make in my life.

My soul mate and friend, Doomsday, is heading into the final moments of her life and I can’t even have her understand what is happening.

For the past couple of months we have been struggling to keep her afloat.

She has had cysts on her belly which have spread throughout the last few years, she has had a tumour on her leg that we have removed a few years ago, we dealt with the burn mark on her leg that the vet in Vancouver gave her when trying to keep her warm during that surgery. Now we are looking down the barrel of the gun with some sort of bacterial infection in her eyes, severe weight loss, and now, the final nail in her coffin, she isn’t using her legs right.

Ever been in the mood to not lift your own body? That’s her constant state. She sits and stares at the wall in one spot, no longer even laying down.

The other night I took her out of her cage in the hopes that she would run around or do something, even just sniff me. But what happened was she refused to leave her home, I had to push her into her bed to even get her to move and I lifted her out that way.

When I did that she fell face forward into it and that’s when I knew she was finally changing her address to Heaven.

Normally she would stomp her foot at me, turn around and nudge me like “Hey! Stop that!”

But she just fell over. And I’ve been witnessing things like this over the last week that don’t look good.

Hell, even my mom started crying at this news. And my mom has wanted the “stench” of her out of the house since I got her. (I’ve never noticed until this last month, that’s how bad her bowels were.)

Even my father, who professionally processes, sells, and has a marked dislike of rabbits checked on her this weekend and asked me how she was doing.

Of course, I was away and he was terrified that she would die on his watch and I would Khaleesi him with a couple of dragons.

That’s how fiercely I love her, my parents are worried about me.

And all I can think is how this will be a relief.

Not for me, but for her. Well, I suppose for me a bit, now I won’t have to wait, wonder, and worry.

11:00 am.

I made the call. And I cried right through it. I hate when people hear, see, or acknowledge that I’m crying. The vet was very calm and told me my options. Said she was so sorry to hear this news and that they would be there for me.

And then asked me if I wanted to do it today. Which, obviously made me burst into tears. She goes tomorrow around the same time. Changing her address to Heaven.

I’m so heartbroken, I can’t even process this.

No longer will I hear her at night drinking her water like a nuisance, no longer will she trip me while I’m trying to clean my room. No longer will she glare at me when I snuggle her too closely or push her fur the wrong way.

After all these years it’s going to be so hard to say goodbye to the little love of my life who has been with me for almost 8 years.

We’ve grown so much together. She would sit on me when I studied or read, she would do figure eights around my ankles and nuzzle me like there’s no tomorrow.

We would open Christmas presents together, and watch Supernatural, she would hide in my closet, my bookshelf, under the bed, anywhere that was safe and she could run out and scare the daylights out of me.

She would lick me when she was happy, jump 3 feet in the air when she was ecstatic, snuggle into my neck on cold nights, and right into my sweater on freezing nights.

She’s been my little cuckoo and moved with me across the country and back, we’ve ruined 5 apartments together because she loves to chew the woodwork.

We put out Christmas cards for the last three or four years and she tolerated me sticking her in a box, putting her in a scarf, and in generally holding her at the right angles so we could get the perfect pictures all to show that family don’t end with blood.

But now it’s time to let all that go and let her go out with some dignity.

I won’t prop her up just so I don’t have to say goodbye and selfishly keep her around for myself.

I will do her one last solid and care for her until the very end.

She’s going now. I hope you wish her all a very fond farewell.

More next week while I process this grief and keep moving forward.

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