Tonight I will be watching the “parade” of kids that come in to my moms house because she has a literal buffet for them to pick from, and try to contain my dogs anxiety while also watching something scary and pilfering Reese’s pieces with my little sister.
Hope everyone had a safe weekend of partying and fun!
I can’t wait to see the tiny humans beg for candy.
(Moment of silence for Lily and James Potter would be welcome as well. 😉 )
I have major fucking beef with this book .
Which is absurd considering it’s a kids book. But hear me out.
This story is about a man, Mr Hoppy, who is in love with his downstairs neighbour, Mrs. Silver. They chat whenever they see each other on their balconies for brief moments. The man is an older man who I don’t think had a job considering he was always at home.
Anyway, this lady has a tortoise, Alfie, she keeps on her balcony and is worried that he isn’t growing as much as he should be. So, seeing his opening, the man upstairs tells her that he has a fast growing method for the turtle. It’s an ancient spell and involves special food for the tortoise. She has to say this spell of ‘Esio trot’ to the tortoise every day and it’ll grow more and more.
The problem I have with this is that Mr Hoppy bought like 150 tortoises of varying age and size to swap out with the original tortoise. Every day he would switch them out for a bigger one.
He kept them all, no harm came to any of the tortoises. But still.
If I find out that someone I barely knew did this to impress me I’d be super angry. Call me unromantic if you will. But I’d demand to know where the fuck my actual tortoise that I had grown to love went! But I guess Mrs Silver is dumber and didn’t notice that the markings on her pet were different.
Which if she actually loved Alfie she would’ve noticed.
I hated everything about this book, but it was short so I finished it for the kid anyway. He didn’t seem to care, he fell asleep.
If Mindy Kaling is my spirit animal, Nick Offerman is my disgruntled guardian angel.
He has a special way of speaking and writing that is so inviting I’m looking forward to his other works.
This book is so chock-full of wisdom that you come away a better person. Or at the very least, with some words of wisdom on how to not be a dick.
And a person who feels like they can paddle their own canoe and just “do you”, so to speak.
His stories about person and professional triumphs and failures made me feel like I’m not alone in this world and that here, here is a kindred spirit of wildness and subtleness, someone who while also being quite reserved, has a filthy mind. A kindred spirit who knows that working with your hands is one of the most rewarding things on the planet and that looking at something you made is important (no matter what it is.) especially if you put your heart and soul into it.
He made me realize certain things about myself that I wouldn’t have otherwise known or recognized if they came along. And not just about “paddling my own canoe”, but what I would want in a relationship, friendships, and dreams I’ve put on the back burner.
This man is a unique and forthright person and I’m so happy for him that he found a person who loves him and supports him and has a filthier mouth and mind than he does.
It’s good to know that Megan Mullally and Nick are together and love as much as they can and are complete goons together. It’s just so nice to read.
Even if he’s talking about a song he wrote where he’s doing her in the ass.
Constant vigilance! …That’s an unfortunate phrase right after that sentence.