Esio Trot–Roald Dahl

I have major fucking beef with this book .

Which is absurd considering it’s a kids book. But hear me out.

This story is about a man, Mr Hoppy, who is in love with his downstairs neighbour, Mrs. Silver. They chat whenever they see each other on their balconies for brief moments. The man is an older man who I don’t think had a job considering he was always at home.

Anyway, this lady has a tortoise, Alfie, she keeps on her balcony and is worried that he isn’t growing as much as he should be. So, seeing his opening, the man upstairs tells her that he has a fast growing method for the turtle. It’s an ancient spell and involves special food for the tortoise. She has to say this spell of ‘Esio trot’ to the tortoise every day and it’ll grow more and more.

The problem I have with this is that Mr Hoppy bought like 150 tortoises of varying age and size to swap out with the original tortoise. Every day he would switch them out for a bigger one.

He kept them all, no harm came to any of the tortoises. But still.

If I find out that someone I barely knew did this to impress me I’d be super angry. Call me unromantic if you will. But I’d demand to know where the fuck my actual tortoise that I had grown to love went! But I guess Mrs Silver is dumber and didn’t notice that the markings on her pet were different.

Which if she actually loved Alfie she would’ve noticed.

I hated everything about this book, but it was short so I finished it for the kid anyway. He didn’t seem to care, he fell asleep.


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