Body Positive Power–Megan Jayne Crabbe

I took my sweet time reading this book. I’d say about six months just because I wanted those lessons she was teaching in her book to really sink in. 

Now, I can’t remember word for word what she said, but the feeling of this book really resonates with me even still and I find it has changed my line of thinking.

When I start to talk to myself in a way that I wouldn’t have originally thought of as self deprecating or harmful I catch myself now. 

Why am I bullying myself? You can’t hate yourself into a body you love. 

Which was a big point in her book. 

You can’t be cruel and think you’ll end up happy. You can’t bash yourself and think that’s a form of self love because it’ll get you to a place where you love the end result of all your “hard work”.

But I don’t want my hard work to be a result of me bashing myself or constantly pulling at my body angry that it can’t be different just because I’m willing it to be so.

This is MY body. No one else has this body, so it’s important that I treat her with respect. 

And fuck am I ever happier about that. 

When my brain goes “Ugh. New stretch marks. Way to go fat ass.” I stop that in its tracks and think “So what?”. 

“So what?” is my new key phrase to body positivity. 

So what if I’ve gained weight to the point of new stretch marks. I learned to love the last ones, these new ones can be loved just the same. 

So what if I’ve gained weight at all? That just shows I appreciate food and relaxation. I know I’m not actually a lazy person, I do things ALL the time. I work hard, so I deserve the relaxation and comfort that comes from eating and laying down. 

So what if I eat a bag of chips in one sitting? I was fucking hungry to the point of inhaling it. I obviously NEEDED food.

I’m learning to listen to my body more. Not intuitive eat as a way of dieting. I will no longer diet. I’m done with that. (Hell yeah!) I will listen to my body on what foods it agrees with and which foods it craves. (And sometimes that craving is a goddamn apple! Who knew!!!) 

I want to get back to a place where I move my body for the joy of moving my body. Like when you’re a kid and you run because you love that feeling of being free and the wind whipping through your hair. 

And so what if I get winded halfway down the driveway. I can be breathless for the joy of it! 

I don’t want to punish my body into a body worth having. I want to enjoy the body I have because it was worth having all along. 

All the shapes and sizes I have been get a colossal “So what?”. 

So what, that was Past Alli. Present Alli isn’t too concerned about what size of pant she is wearing.

So what, that was Past Alli. Present Alli doesn’t want to give anymore energy or wasteful thought tangents on where her body SHOULD be. Instead living in the body I have now and being grateful that I am who I am and no one else is like me. 

So what if someone else bashes their body? Not only will I not internalize it to the point of thinking “Does that person think I’m fat and hideous because they think THEY are fat and hideous?” I will stop THEM in their tracks and tell them to stop talking to my friend like that. 

This book is so fucking important for all communities. It’s not only about body positivity and how Megan got to where she is, it’s about facts and figures and LGBTQ etc things, it’s about able bodied people (which is everyone. We all have bodies that are able to do stuff.) and it’s about how we value self worth. 

It’s so important. 

And so what if I don’t look like the girls in the magazines? 

We’ve risen up so much the girls in the magazines have come out to say “Me either.” 

Fuck I love this book. 

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Summer Reads

Hello Puny Humans:

I have a pile of reviews building that go as far back as two summers ago. Yeesh.

Here’s the thing with life: Stuff happens to you and then other things are forgotten about.

These books weren’t one of those things, but reviewing them was. Typical me.

But here you go! Time to really start to catch up!

The Single Girl’s To-Do List–Lyndsey Kelk

A decent summer book, I gave it three stars which means it was just good and I would pass it on to someone going on vacation to read at the beach. 

It’s about a make up artist girl who gets dumped and goes on the classic journey of self discovering all people who go through heartbreaking time go through only to make it out on the other side happier and healthier. 

She makes a list of things she always wanted to do while in a relationship but couldn’t because she was being stifled without knowing it. 

The list includes a make over (she always wore leggings and plain t-shirts…nothing wrong with that!), and getting drunk, going on a trip, and other typical things like that that would make a cute Katherine Heigl movie. 

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The Wedding–Nicholas Sparks

When I start reading Nicholas Sparks books I’m always in a mood already. Y’all know what I’m talking about:

You’re looking for a romance but you also know someone is going to fucking eat it in this book in an unexpected way that just makes you mad in the first place because all you were looking for was a fucking romance novel that’s predictable and lovely with a dynamic couple that you just want them to be happy at the end. But no. Nicholas Sparks likes to fuck with us. 

He’s an asshole. 

However, I gave this 4 stars out of 5 which means I absolutely adored this book. Which means (and I can’t actually remember this) someone likely didn’t fucking die at the end in a real weird twist of events! 

So, this is a sequel of sorts to The Notebook (and if you never read that, you should because duh.) and it’s about Allie and Noah’s son Wilson who has let the romance die in his marriage and he didn’t even notice. His daughter is getting married and he’s finally facing the facts of his own marriage. It was a really sweet story, of course, and shows that you can make a comeback even from an indifferent marriage. 

I really liked the message of this book. A lot of people could benefit from this story. 

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Never Have I Ever: My Life (So Far) Without a Date–Katie Heaney

This book is very special to me, and I’m betting you can guess why given the title of it. 

I always enjoy when I find fellow “weirdos” or people that I can actually relate to when it comes to stuff like this. 

This book was very well written, and hilarious, and made me feel a lot less isolated in my singledom. I am not alone in this compartment of life and that means so much to me. 

Even if I don’t actually know this person. 

(And if I know for a fact that this woman is now in a committed relationship because I follow her on Instagram haha. They look very happy together by the way! Gives me hope.)

Definitely read this even if you are in a committed relationship because it’s just such a great story/memoir on this woman’s life. And if you don’t know how to commiserate or even understand the single people in your life: this will help. 

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Melissa Explains It All–Melissa Joan Hart

Another unexplainable autobiography that I picked up at a thrift store. 

To be fair though: I was obsessed with Clarissa Explains it All and Sabrina the Teenage Witch when I was younger. 

Always have been dyyyyying for magical powers. Even if it’s not with a wand but with the tip of my finger. 

(That sounded pervy, but you’re with me.) 

Melissa Joan Hart has always been a favourite of mine, I’ve even watched ‘Melissa and Joey’ and genuinely liked it. (I don’t know why I said that like it’s a terrible show. It’s a hilarious and cute show.)

So why would I be like “Why would I read this autobiography?”…probably because I didn’t actually give two rats poops about the actual actresses life. Like I’m happy if she’s happy but I don’t need a background check, you know? 

But here I am. I’ve read the book, read her life, and now I DO give two rat poops about her life. 

Especially since she’s led an interesting and dynamic life. 

Who knew I would care so much that one of her boyfriend was a complete and total asshole? Or how happy I would be when she found the love of her life? Or that her families life would grip me so hard? 

I don’t know who I am anymore. But here we are and I loved the book. Even if you aren’t a fan, it’s an interesting behind the scenes of the movie industry. 

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Happy V-Day!

Okay ladies now let’s get in formation.

Cuz we slay.

Another year single, another year ready for a pringle. Am I right?

Look, there are only so many ways that I can try to make you feel better about being single with me. Over the years I have written about what not to do to your single friends, I’ve given you the option of dating fictional men instead of real men, I’ve sent you a Valentine with David Tennant, I’ve made you collages, I’ve made romantic book lists.

I’m one hell of a Valentine if you ask me. Because for the people I care about I also bake things and drink wine with them and have a Galentine’s day if it’s on a weekend.

Damn. I’m so romantic and I didn’t even notice.

This year though, I thought I would try something different.

Online dating.

JUST KIDDING THAT’S THE WORST. *laugh crying emoji*

Here’s what I would like to say to you this year:

Treat yo self.

That’s right. I’ve decided (since I’ve turned 30 and ain’t nobody putting a ring on this finger any time soon.) that I will date myself, so to speak. In that I now buy myself relatively expensive presents for my big events.

Because I’m going to die alone in a pile of dogs. #livingthedream

This year I have my eye on a sweet purse that has bananas on it. Because I’m an adult.

You know you’re awesome, you have to by now because I’ve been convincing you for years. You hustle like a champ and all the good things will come your way. And if they don’t, then they weren’t meant for you.

Love isn’t something that is to be forced, it will show up when it is meant to happen and the only thing to do in the meantime is live your life the way you want to because someday you’ll be knee deep in a relationship and these days are the ones you’ll look back on and think “Yeah. I set myself up to be who I want to be and that’s what got me here.”

Or you’ll think “Man. I miss when I could sit around with no pants on and I only had to forage for food for one person.” If you’re lucky, your future significant other will also like not wearing pants while watching TV and will be the kind of person who buys surprise pizzas instead of flowers.

Because flowers are the goddamn dumbest thing to bring a person. Stop bringing things home that can die, bring home things we can eat. (I know you feel me ladies!)

Romantic entanglements aren’t the only things that matter in life. You do you girl!

Man, sometimes I get really serious.

Probably because I hate when I chirp myself for being single so I get mad when I think others are doing it to themselves! Good thing I have some friends who are good with throwing encouragement at me like it’s a confetti parade and give me a hard slap of reality when I need it.

Happy Valentines Day you sons of bitches.

Use the search button to find other such inspirational posts from years of yore. It’s worth it. But I’m biased because I wrote them.

Blood Magick–Nora Roberts

Once upon a time I didn’t care for this series. But after the build up of the 2nd book I needed to see how it ended.

Now, as I said, the first character I was introduced to was Iona and she was a chore, it was hard to relate to her.

Then came Meara, tough but loveable, I related to her and what she was fighting for. (Her loved ones.) I got where she was coming from with her avoidance and anger.

Now I read about Branna, the basic Matriarch to the O’Dwyer family in that she is the oldest of the new generation of cousins and in charge of all the plotting, spells, potions, and gathering of information. She’s the brains, brawn, and heart behind the entire operation.

While I can’t completely relate to the burden she bore, I can relate to the fact that she loved someone (Finbar Burke, where the hell does she get these names?)  and then lost them. I can relate to her gruff attitude and pushing people away.

Which is why I delighted in this particular novel. She was great, and her love interest was actually interesting, but it wasn’t forced and it wasn’t annoying to read. It was built up nicely. This is what the first book should’ve been like.

Overall, if you are looking for characters to stick with through a series, it’s not so bad. The story was okay, the writing was okay, just an okay series for the summer.

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Annual Valentine’s Rant.

Hello Humans.

With the couple holiday coming up you should know what is up next for us single people.

Hell.

Just kidding! Haha I like Valentines Day! All I meant was that it would be my annual “Buck up mother fucker!” speech because (ho ho, who would have guessed!) I’m still single and there isn’t any shame in that.

But instead I thought I would give some sage advice because I’m the wisest person in the room these days.

…I’m currently sitting by myself and the closest thing to a “live” creature in here is Doomsday’s ashes. … Awkward.

Okay. So here we are and I’m wired after I basically just slept through music lessons even though I drank a French Vanilla and now it’s finally hitting me! Useless caffeine!!! EEEEEE…

I’ll try to calm down.

All right. So, with the impending Valentines Day you are all likely thinking “OH YAY THE WALKING DEAD IS ON!” No? Just me and my sisters? …Awkward!

Cutting out hyper rigamarole : Here is “How to Interact with Single People”.

1.) Just don’t. Just fucking stop trying to talk to us. We like being alone. That’s why we are always alone. Just leave us to our Netflix binge watch and our cross stitching. We are happy little clams alone. Okay, that was a partial joke. You can talk to us. As long as you hand us candy first.

2) DON’T TELL US LIST:

Don’t tell us: “You’ll find someone someday.” Bitch I find people every day. And just as quick leave them behind. …That sounded kind of slutty. I just meant I interact with humans on a regular basis…you probably can’t tell given the awkwardness of this entire article so far. MOVING ON.

Don’t tell us: “You’re great, why aren’t you with someone?” ANSWER: I’m WITH someone all the time. ME. I’m fine. You can shut up though.

Don’t tell us: “I just want your life to start!” (This has actually been said to me by multiple people) Acca-scuse me? I believe my life started December 19th, 1986. And I’m still just as Goddamn cute. Just because I’m not romantically entangled does not mean that my life hasn’t begun. My LOVE life hasn’t really taken off, but that’s not the entirety of a person’s life. YOU on the other hand, need to get a life. Life life life life life life. Can I say the word enough? I’M SO HYPER.

Don’t tell us: “When are you going to get married?” Never. Moving on.
Don’t tell us: “Hey, I know someone that would be GREAT for you.” Never. Moving on.

Don’t tell us: “You just need to put yourself out there more.” Never. Never ever ever. In a German accent.

Don’t tell us: “You are too picky.” Picky isn’t something I associate with befriending humans. Picky is what I am with food. And I have yet to meet a person who is as delicious as food. …Except Matthew Lewis. That guy can get it. Don’t even try to tell me that Neville Longbottom isn’t a hot piece of cake. Just don’t.

Don’t tell us: “You should try online dating!” Ugh. Worst. Let me tell you something about online dating. That’s where human garbage generally lives. And they all message weird shit or dick pics. Ain’t nobody got time for that. I like dudes, but I don’t need someone messaging me their genitals and having it scare the shit out of me when I’m just scrolling along. Nobody needs to see your angry dick.

3) Give us your candy and be on your way. No explanation needed.

4) Talk to us like we are human. There is nothing wrong with being single. There is nothing wrong with waiting for the right person. There is nothing wrong with just hanging out trolling through life. Talk to me like you would your married friends because girl, I’m a person. I just don’t have someone attached to me by a legal document and matching rings.

5) Tell us how happy you are in a couple and we might throw up. Or mime throwing up. Or make that throw up motion behind your back. Or to your face. Mostly to your face. Because what do I have to lose, right?

6) Stop using the word “babe” when you are talking to or about your significant other. Babe is a pig. Are you calling your S.O. a pig? Why do you hate them? Also, if I hear you call them that I will ACTUALLY throw up. It’s the worst. Stop it.

7) Stop complaining about how big of a dick your S.O. is. Because my response will usually be something along the lines of: You should break up with that dick because god he sounds like the living worst. To which you always respond with “Hey! He’s actually the sweetest!” Where? When? What the actual fuck. The only things you’ve ever said about your S.O. were negative and complaining bullshit. When would I ever find out that they are the sweetest person alive when the only information you’ve given me is all evidence of douchebaggery?

And then you get mad at me and we can’t be friends anymore. Tale as old as time.

8) Stop telling me I just need to “get laid”. It was funny the first never times you said it and it’ll keep being funny until the never of never o’clock in Neverland on the second Tuesday of Novnever.

9) Accept my singledom. Because I have, and it’s fun. Never assume I’m completely lonely 100% of the time just because I don’t have a boyfriend. It’s maybe 12% of the time because I’m usually surrounded by people I love, like, and can tolerate the rest of the time.

10) You can tell me your Valentine’s Day plans and I promise not to make the barfing motion or be a dick about it because it’s actually nice that you and your lover made plans to bone. To bone and be nice to each other. We should put that in our calendars every day man.

Can you tell I’m coming down off my caffeine high? I’m starting to get nicer.

All right. Enough ranting. Keep moving forward. Listen to me, don’t listen to me, I don’t give a fuck, just stop being a dick. Be kind! Rewind!

Peace bitches. I’m off to spend the weekend with my spinster sisters and watch Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and then the Walking Dead.

Eat your heart out. (Haha…get it? Zombies would do that…they would eat your heart…nevermind.)

I’m so tired. I’m also so fancy. You already know.

Happy V-Day Bitches.

The Art of Asking–Amanda Palmer

This book is the pinnacle of what I’ve been feeling lately.

I hate asking for help, the shame kills me, my pride is exhausting, and I feel like the Fraud Police are constantly after me.

Being an artist, a writer, or anything really, in the creative field (or actually life if you think about it) means that you are always asking for something.

You are asking people to believe in you, to trust you, you are asking for help to get further in your career, you are asking for people to see in you what you sometimes think isn’t there and basically saying “Yes! I promise! I will come through! Just please please please see me.”

Amanda Palmer opened my eyes a long time ago when I saw her TEDTalk. She used to be a living statue, dressed as a bride with a white painted face and she wanted to connect with people as a form of art. And it worked. All she asked was for people to look her in the eye, sure, coins and some money were welcome, but she only asked for what you could give. And sometimes that was just looking her in the eye and sharing a connection for a brief moment of time.

We often forget that we are all here for something bigger than ourselves, we are here for each other, for the universe, for mankind.

And to be here for mankind we have to be kind to man. Yes?

This book is part essay mostly autobiographically, and all heart and soul .

I love her and she just pours out her everything into this. It made me feel better and seen and heard while also showing me how to be and hear others and make sure to be present and listening and that there is no shame is asking for help or what you want out of life.

Watch her TEDTalk, read this book, follow her on every social media possible.
I’ve only had one person say the actual words “I see you” to me, and it meant the world to me. It still does.

Other people show me in putting their phones down to talk, looking me in the eyes, laughing with me, making me dinner without asking for anything in return, and I hope I show them in tons of ways as well. I try at least. Tiny gestures to say, “I see you.”

Let’s all really look from now on, okay?

Constant vigilance.

The Longest Ride–Nicholas Sparks

More like The Longest Book.

Okay, it wasn’t long, but MAN it dragged on.

And I pretty much felt that everyone in this book behaved irrationally and idiotically.

(Which is probably explains why I’ve never been in love.)

They just ALL seemed to be doing stupid things. And don’t get me wrong, I love a good love story, and I was all for imagining Scott Eastwood in this role. Until I realized that this character, while being a smart bull riding farmer, was a complete tit.

Spoilers Ahead.

You get brained and nearly die bull riding, hospitalized, slow recovery, therapy for months, and yet you still decide to get back up there when all is said and done? All because your mom is going to lose the farm?

No. No way Scott Eastwood. You get a job! And not one that includes riding a wild animal that nearly kills you. (Characters actual name is Luke by the way.)

Then there is Sophia, who was kind of a whiny tit herself. She had this ex who was always following her and harassing her. Yet didn’t call the cops to be like “Get the fuck out of here!” And wouldn’t let herself have fun if she thought for a second that he was going to be there because he MIGHT cause a scene. MIGHT.

Then later her best friend (another shitty person) announces that she’s seeing Sophia’s ex and that he won’t cheat on her like he did Sophia and “please forgive me, I couldn’t help it.”

EVEN THOUGH SHE KNEW WHAT HER FRIEND HAD GONE THROUGH WITH THIS PERSON.

Yeah right you couldn’t help it!!! You’re a terrible friend and should be shot.

I had a hard time believing any of these people were real people. They all just seemed like morons who were out for themselves and just complete fuckwits.

The only characters I liked were the old man who was dying in a car in the snow and his “ghost/hallucination” wife that was by his side.

And I usually really like Nicholas Sparks movies and for the most part his books.

What a sad disappointment.

But I’ll still totally watch the shit out of that movie. Hello. Shirtless Scott Eastwood? Sign me up.

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Here’s some eye candy for ya. He’s literally just standing with a horse wearing plaid and I’m in love.

What is this magic.

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