Pride and Pleasure–Sylvia Day

I love a good romance novel that 100% promises dirty sex scenes. 

I have a juvenile mind where I don’t find these scenes sexy: I find them absurd and a good gut laugh.

Like I laugh my ass off like they told a good joke. 

Man oh man. 

I’m going to die alone. 

Anyway, this is about an heiress (of course) who falls for a brick house of a man (of course) who is named Jasper (duh). 

Because obviously.

I actually really like Sylvia Days writing, and she spun a good yarn while still keeping with certain romance novels tropes but without making the tropes seem corny as hell. 

Not once did she mention anyone with an aquiline nose. Which now that I say that…what in the hell does that even mean???

Oh snap. I looked it up and it says “Like an eagle”. I had no idea! I thought it meant like perfect ski slope or something.

This. Changes. Everything.

Or does it? Probably not.

Constant vigilance! pride

The Sweet Spot–Stephanie Evanovich

This book is hard to judge just because it’s not what I thought it was going to be like when I first met these characters.

They’ve appeared in another novel I read “Big Girl Panties” and they seemed like the more realistic of the two couples in the book. They were married, they were real with each other, they were open with the world about who they are and what they do.

This is a preclude to that book, even though it was written afterwards, and it seemed a little odd to me how the couple got together.

Don’t get me wrong, I love these two together, they are really funny, and the writing is pretty good, but it seemed a little weird given that this is a modern day book with an independent woman.

Not to get into a whole big issue here, but there is spanking involved, neither of these people have been sexually abused in their lives, they both have good heads on their shoulders, spanking was introduced to the male character when he was younger as a joke from a girlfriend and he realized he was into it. The female character was sort of just tossed this information and had to find a way to deal with it, or not.

Chase is a high profile baseball player and Amanda is a restauranteur, he pursues her vehemently, which sort of brings up the issue of  “No means no.” to me. But whatever, he “wore her down” and they fell in love.

I probably would’ve called the cops if a guy was being that annoying and wouldn’t take the hint.

It was an okay book by my standards, not as funny as the last one. I was really looking forward to more over the top descriptions of the vagina from her. (Hello, “luscious junction”.) I was disappointed considering these two are suppose to be raunchier than the last set of characters we saw.

I’m a dirty bird, what can I say?

Constant vigilance.

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Wifey–Judy Blume

‘Wifey’ is based in the 60s, which I had no idea until I started reading and was like whoa what in the mother, why is everyone hating on black people so hard?! What sort of community is this?!

The hatin’ kind. That’s who.

So after reacclimatizing myself to reading about the racism in the 60s instead of just about a housewife who is bored, I managed to zip through this book pretty easily.

The woman in this is in fact a housewife who is bored and is searching for ways to get out of being bored and then you are reading about her fantasies and sometimes exploits as she tries to sort out her life.

I was on board with this book for awhile, I like Judy Blume and I could make jokes about how she taught me how to be a girl (read: Are You There God, It’s Me, Margaret) and how now she’s teaching me how to be a woman.

The ending was a piece of garbage though. It was one of those endings where nothing was resolved and you don’t know where the characters were going after that and just left so many unanswered questions.

Does she leave her husband? Who gave her gonorrhea? What happened to Shep and his five kids? Does she eventually pull the trigger on the gun and end her life? WHAT THE HELL JUDY BLUME!!!! WHAT THE HELL.

So yeah. There’s that. Read it, it was a good book, but don’t say I didn’t warn you about the ending.

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Big Girl Panties–Stephanie Evanovich

I picked this book up solely because her name is Stephanie Evanovich. I love Janet Evanovichs stuff and I don’t know why I thought this would be similar (it’s not) and I thought she was her daughter. (Turns out neice.)

 

Even so, without once again, reading the back flap, I read this book cover to cover and really enjoyed it. I love not knowing what I’m getting into! It makes reading more of an adventure and less of a decision making process.

 

This book was about widow named Holly who is trying to regain her life. After the death of her husband she gained a lot of weight using food as her biggest crutch. Then she meets Logan Montgomery (writers need to get away from the last name Montgomery, am I right?) on a plane and after his obvious disgust at her body being pushed into the seat next to him they start talking and he finds out she’s not just a mass, she’s a person. As a fitness trainer for famous athletes he’s in the best position to get her back into her body and out of her head.

Naturally, they fall in love. It was genuine, well written, and lovely to read.

Until: It got dirty. It got dirty so fast that I had to take a beat and think “Does this say anything about S and M on the dust jacket?” Then remembering that I hadn’t READ the dust jacket I proceeded to do so. Nope. It’s exactly what I described. Funny thing is, the couple that’s seen as the raunchy spank happy couple seemed the most real and in love to me.

Enter: (double entendre, see what I did there?) All the words one woman came up with to describe a vagina while simultaneously trying to make her audience puke in their mouths a little bit.

Here are a few she came up with (and the worst of the worst):

1)Moist mound.

2)Damp mound.

3)Lush swells (that was actually to describe boobs.)

4)Velvety rim. (I’m dead serious.)

5)Wet cavern.

6)Sweet creaminess that was her essence. (I’m about to puke again.)

and DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!!! My personal favourite:

7)Luscious junction.

This book gave me a good laugh, so it was worth it to read the cringe worthy sex scenes.

Constant vigilance.

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Beauty’s Punishment–Anne Rice

So sue me, I read the second one the second I put Lord of the Flies down. Maybe I just needed my sick violent nature sated (ew, I can’t believe I said that word) after there being no cannibals in the last book. I’m a perv, let’s move on. Haha

 So nobody gets eaten in this book either, at least not in the way you would think, heeeeeeyooooooo, haha. Told you I’m a perv.

 But people are getting the crap kicked out of them, so I guess that’s good? (*Shakes head* what is wrong with me?)

 When we last left Beauty she was instigating a fight with her Prince so she could be sent to the Village where she knew she would be used and abused, and why? Because she was curious about the tortures and experiences she would have there. Gotta love a curious heroine right? That’s just asking for trouble!

I think I liked this one better than the first because there was a lot more love in it than the last. This one showed people that were slaves that were falling in love with their masters, and masters falling in love with their slaves, and in a way it was kind of nice.

 Still very well written, characters were great and you got more into some of their back stories (insert backside joke…well, something was inserted that’s for sure. I’m a juvenile. I’m sorry haha) and it’s very interesting to learn and read that people actually enjoy this kind of behaviour not just from the side of the master.

 Human nature man, am I right?

 Sexy, sexy, human nature. Hahaha I think I need to drink less caffeine when I write these.

 Okay, I’m just high on water, I don’t drink caffeine. Maybe I should START.

Constant vigilance!

The God that Comes–Hawksley Workman

Instead of a regular book review I thought that for once I would review a show that I’ve seen recently since I actually managed to leave my hovel and go out in the Vancouver city.

I’m a huuuuuuuuuuge Hawksley Workman fan, our love affair began a million years ago when my sisters forced me to go and see him in concert in the town over from ours. I wasn’t a fan then, I was sick of his music because my older sister kept playing it over and over and over again and we were going through puberty so I was listening to the like of Backstreet Boys and Hanson and didn’t yet know what (real) good music was.

I didn’t even know what music was.

Not until I heard Hawksley live.

I had heard a few of his albums and I thought that everything was so over produced and his voice didn’t really sound like that. It was impossible. He wasn’t a goddamn God. He was just a man with a really good producer pressing all the right buttons. (I was an idiot at 16.)

Man am I glad that he proved me wrong. His voice is even better live. His voice IS from the Gods. His voice can actually echo like that and I have no idea how but it’s gorgeous and he IS music. He can take the simplest thing (like a moth) and turn it into a song. A song that resonates with you and makes you feel whole and light and everything all at once.

He was my first concert and still one of the best. I’ve seen Bon Jovi, Cyndi Lauper, Britney Spears, and Nicki Minaj since then and it’s all because Hawksley made  something  that was scary and overwhelming to me into something just shy of magic.

My sister and I had been bouncing back and forth on whether we could afford to see his ‘play’ when he came to Vancouver, and then just last week we decided (with her friend of 10 years, whom they had built their friendship on Hawksley and whiskey) to just do it and ignore how poor we are and just enjoy ourselves. We can worry about money later.

Thank. The. Gods.

We did ourselves the biggest favour of life.

That show was the GREATEST thing I’ve ever seen. And I saw Bon Jovi’s piano player playing two pianos at once. That’s pretty badass, right? Hawksley put on a show that was concert, play, and musical all at once. BY. HIMSELF. He sang for two people and one God. It was the story of Bacchus and his mountain, where everyone in this little town would go and explore themselves through drink and sex and violence. Naturally the king didn’t enjoy that his people weren’t being prudent and innocent, that they weren’t listening to him. Then he found out that his own mother was going to these parties. The king dresses as a woman and goes to find out what’s so great about it.

Then the wild mob kills him and his mom rips his head from his body.

I’m seriously not even giving a thing away about the actual performance because you need to know that story going in. And he tells you at the beginning.

The rest of the performance was so surprising, and lovely, and I’ve never laughed so hard in my life and I’ve never enjoyed myself more.

Not to mention Hawksley made eye contact with me and I nearly died. Mostly because he was saying ‘Tits’ at the time and it was hilarious. Okay, so we probably didn’t actually, but I was sitting at the front table and my sister is convinced that he definitely looked at us. (We may have been fangirling like dweebs. And yes, we’re 26 and 28. No. We are not adults.)

If you ever see one show in your entire life it should be anything with Hawksley in it because that man does not disappoint. He was just as brilliant and awe-inspiring as he was when I first saw him and I’ve never flown so high during and after a show.

I love him. Go see it. I’m going to lay on the floor of my room and listen to his albums and laugh about tits and Ukelady boys.