I, Bificus–Bif Naked

Oh Biffy. 

What has happened to you. 

All the things. All the good and all the bad. And all the in-between things. 

I’ve loved Bif since I was teeny little preteen and so much of my early teens was filled with her music. And I’m so glad to finally read her words on the things that happened to her. 

And SOooooooOOooooo much happened to her. 

Fuck. 

Just read this. It’s so goddamn good that I have no words for how good it is. 

I’ve literally tried to write extra paragraphs about it but I honestly have zero words. Just a feeling about this book. Like I want to grab her close and squeeze her tight.

So many bad things happen to people (duh) and she got more dollops than I have that’s for sure. Which makes me always feel like that Lady Gaga song “Come to Mama”.

Come to Mama. Tell me who hurt ya .

Constant vigilance.

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This Savage Song–Victoria Schwab

Uuuuuuurgh. 

With joy. 

This book was soooooo fucking good. This was one of my OwlCrate books, and honestly, I’m so glad I got that box every month for awhile because it’s given me some of my favourite books. 

And this time it gave me a book series. Which was accidental. I didn’t realize (classic) that it was going to be a series and was like ‘Wait, what?!” at the end because it didn’t end where I thought it was going  to and left me wanting so much more. And then it was all “We’re a series!” and I’ve never been so happy since. (JK. JK. JK.)

But seriously over the moon about it being a series I can keep up with.  

A YA novel about humans and monsters co-existing in a sense. 

This was a beautiful tale of good and evil and how to fight the good fight while living in the grey area. 

It’s fucking Romeo and Juliet with monsters and it’s sooo fucking good. 

Talk about fan girl feels.

Scrappy Little Nobody–Anna Kendrick

Why is she the most adorable person to ever adorable? 

Just a really funny, well written autobiography about the kicky little life of one of our most favourite Hollywood actresses. 

Her stories were cute, and I really appreciated how honest she was about what it feels like to be an actress in the limelight. Like how all of sudden (because of Twilight) she was thrown into the light and everyone thought she was this rich actress because she was given dresses to wear to awards shows and how surreal it is to be in that type of situation and then have to go home to your tiny apartment that you share with your roommate and your cheap Ikea furniture and have to give all the jewels and the dress back the next day.

I really enjoy her awkwardness and honesty.

And her incessant joking about how Chris Pine is stalking her. 

I don’t feel the need to write a really long review, she can tell you all about her life in this funny book! 

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Death Comes to Pemberley–P.D. James

This is a decent “sequel” to Pride and Prejudice. 

Felt like it picked up right where we left off. And also kind of felt like Downton Abbey. 

I liked the writing, it was a more readable Jane Austen (I know, I know, what a shit thing to say, but we all know how it is to get through Jane Austen sometimes because of the language and time barrier. Yes. I know she wrote in English. Get a grip.) and the story was fun.

By this point in the story, Elizabeth and Darcy have been together for six years, they have some kids, and the Wickhams are back wreaking havoc. 

In that they found someone dead. 

It was a good mystery with beloved characters. 

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Cujo–Stephen King

Okay look Stephen King: You just fucking stop it. 

Why do I fucking read these books? Why do I seek out this terror? This book was so fucking stressful. 

And I’m going to spoil things, so you are warned. I have to spoil things because I need to channel this energy of rage this book gave me into a posting because I CAN’T BE ALONE WITH THESE FEELS.

Let me first tell you what I thought this book was about: 

A psychotic dog that eats people. Thought it was possessed or something. 

Here’s what the book is actually about: 

A sweetheart of a dog that gets poisoned when he chases a rabbit down into a cave that is full of sick bats. Rabies type virus ensues. 

Sweetheart dog starts to feel sick. We get to see into his thoughts as well (thanks a lot for THAT Stephen King.). We get to see it take him. Which is so fucking heartbreaking. Moreso than if that was happening to a human because dogs are little rays of light in an otherwise dark and stormy world.

How dare you come after a dog Stephen King!!! 

I’m going to be cursing him until the day I die. 

Anyway. There are a few players in this book that circle each other (and I DO forget their names so I’ll just describe them.) : 

One: Hapless husband who goes on business trip. Gets calls from wife nightly for updates on life. 

Two: Menacing Mechanic, owner of Cujo, altogether unsavoury asshat.

Three: Mechanics wife and son, who leave for a vacation with her sister. Son is the true owner/friend of Cujo. Kid is a sensitive sweetheart, wife wants out of her life. 

Four: Neighbour and only friend of menacing mechanic. 

Five: The cops. More or less useless. 

Six (and most important.): Hapless Husbands wife and four year old son. Wife needs car fixed, is sent to mechanic by husband. Car breaks down there. 

And hell fucking breaks loose. 

Now here’s how things went: Dog got sick. Dog turns slowly but surely. He eats mechanics friend. Then Mechanic goes to visit his friend because they are supposed to go fishing or something because the wife and kid went on vacation. Mechanic gets eaten at some point. 

Hapless husband forgets to check in with wife and son and after DAYS finally notices she hasn’t been calling either and calls the cops. 

Mechanics wife and kid are having a grand old time, although the kid just KNOWS something is wrong with Cujo even from afar.

Cut to: The hapless families wife and son are packing up snacks and whatnot for a small drive to the mechanics out of town just in case the car breaks down on the side of the road before they can even get to the farmhouse. 

And this is stressful for me because at the time I was looking after my four year old cousin and I couldn’t even fathom how a mother wouldn’t do EVERYTHING in her power to save her fucking kid.

The heat rose to excruciating heights. Kid is dehydrated, dog keeps attacking car, but is getting more and more vicious by the hour. They are both dying. Everyone is dying. The mom knows there’s a phone in the house, knows the dog is in the garage in the cold. She tries once to run for the phone…but the dog gets her leg, then she gets stuck back in the car.

Eventually all the things collide: someone at the police station finally believed the dad that his family was missing and they sent a cop to go look around. Cop sees note that the wife left saying where she was going. (A note she wrote for no one by the way. She just “had a feeling”.) 

Cop gets eaten. 

Wife and kid still. stuck. in. the. fucking. car. The kid is delirious. Like straight up heat stroke, had seizure, etc. 

Eventually the cops notice that their other cop didn’t come back. 

And everything explodes.

Hapless dad comes back before the cops get there, he finds the wife who (in her delirium and idiocy) goes for a bat instead of the cops rifle/radio, and is now beating the dog to death. 

Cops swarm, wife thinks husband saved her (which was annoying), and guess the fuck what. 

THE KID FUCKING DIES ANYWAY.

After all that. I fucking threw the book. 

How dare that end in the death of that sweet little four year old.

Fucking Stephen King. A plague on both your houses.

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The Handmaid’s Tale–Margaret Atwood

*I’ll warn you before the spoiler comes* 

This is the first Margaret Atwood book I’ve even read. 

And damn dude. She came in hot! 

This book was hella compelling! (And far more well written than that basic bitch statement I just used to describe it.) 

As most of you know already this is a television show (of which I have not watched yet, but am planning on it.) and it was getting rave reviews. Which made me think: Hey. I should read that book before I watch the show. Get some context. 

I had no idea what the fuck I was walking into. 

No clue what this society was about, where this story was going, or what the fuck the characters names were. 

…and I still don’t. 

Just kidding! I really liked this book because while it wasn’t like thrill upon thrill, it was actually quietly compelling and a huge statement on feminism and society as a whole.

Just kidding again. I mean, I’m sure that was in there, but I never read into that stuff, I’m just there for the story. 

And the story was fucking timeless. I had no idea that it was based in the 90’s, I thought it was written in the 60’s because I genuinely thought that Margaret Atwood was older than she is. 

(Did I mention that this was the first time I’ve read her books?) 

Legitimately thought she was born in the 1920s. 

Like…she’s still alive. Thought she was long dead. 

I also keep thinking her name is Ann Margaret and I know that’s seriously fucking wrong. 

I’m not dumb, I’m just an idiot. There’s a difference haha. 

Spoiler Ahead:

Anyway, I really liked her writing, the story, where it went, and how where the characters ended up.

However, slight beef: She needed to actually finish the fucking story. All we see is that they are coming for Offred. 

They grab her…and then NOTHING.

 

NOTHING.

How dare you. How dare you Margaret Atwood. I trusted you. I had so much faith in where this story was going and you lowballed me like that. 

Ugh. So good though. 

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Summers Read Part 2

I’m backed up. Not…not in the bowel department. I don’t know why I feel like I needed to clarify that when you’ll see in a minute that I mean book reviews.

Either way. Here we are.

In The Woods–Tana French

This book was total trickery. 

In that I didn’t realize it was a series. I only read the first one, but now I need to read the rest to find out what the shit happened. 

This is about how kids were in the playing in the back woods in a Dublin suburb in 1984, and they only found one kid.

A parents worse nightmare. Two kids went missing and one was found covered in blood gripping a tree trunk and unable to remember what happened. 

20 years later the boy is a detective and he’s on the case of a 12 year old girl who was murdered in the same woods his friends went missing. 

He uncovers piece by piece what happened not just to the girl, but to his friends. 

Sort of. I remember being like ‘Wait WHAT.’ When it ended because it wasn’t finished and then I looked it up online and found out that it was part of a series. 

And then not committing to find the others and never solving the mystery. 

Not like me. 

But oh well. Someday i’ll finish that series because after rereading its synopsis I’m intrigued again! 

…Actually upon reflection that totally is like me. I stopped reading Game of Thrones three books in, I stopped reading Outlander after two books, I even stopped reading those Sweep books and had to return to them to finish them. 

My best friend is laughing at my previous statement of “Not like me.” haha. (She gets all the texts when I pick the series back up of “Hey…who’s dead and what happened???” 

Her memory is better then mine. 

Anywho: This book was interesting, maybe if I stumble upon the second book somewhere I’ll get back to it and solve that dang mystery!

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Weird Sisters–Eleanor Brown

This book was very enjoyable. Reminded me of me and my sisters. Only in that we are weird and so different from each other, and yet so similar. Really, if one of us didn’t have a sense of humour our family dynamics would be VERY different. 

Instead of making each other laugh, someone would’ve been stabbed a long time ago. 

Anyway, this book is about three sisters who find themselves back at home to help with their ailing mother. Their dad named them after three of Shakespeares leading ladies and only really speaks to them in verse. 

Which I would find infuriating, but also fun. I love Shakespeare. But I would’ve slapped my dad. 

Good book, well written, interesting story. Definitely read it. 

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I Know I Am, But What Are You?–Samantha Bee

Samantha Bee is (was, maybe?) the Most Senior Correspondent on the The Daily Show (In the Jon Stewart era) and is pretty damn funny.

This was a good summer book. Clever, well spoken, and had fun stories in there but not overwhelmingly political or heavy. But she also didn’t dumb anything down. It was lovely. 

I liked reading about her life and where she ended up. Despite the fact that people have always flashed her at weird intervals in her life. 

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