Work it Out

Work it Out: The Word “Diet’.

This year is the year I say ‘Goodbye’ to the word ‘Diet’. That word holds a lot more power than we think it does. What is a diet? A diet is a list of “Should’ and ‘Shouldn’t’. A diet is something to restrict yourself to. A diet is something you follow, PMS, and then everything is on fire and you don’t know how you ended up eating three bags of chips in a week, a jar of pickles, and a case of chocolate.

You black out and wake up in a stupor of “Oh shit. What did I do?”

And then I rip myself a new one, calling myself a failure, making myself feel like shit because I failed myself once again. It’s brutal. It’s a cycle I’m working on breaking.

At least that’s me. I tend to go on diets and think to myself “Well, I’ll just have ONE little bite” of the thing that diet says not to eat and then I’m down a rabbit hole looking like Gollum and swiping at anyone who tries to come near me.

So. This year I made a choice for my mental health (as well as my physical health) and decided I wasn’t going to diet anymore. Crash diets, juicing, cleanses, detoxes, any building that has the word “Herbal” in it is no longer for me. I don’t want to take “Herbals” anymore to help me lose weight faster. I don’t want to cut things from my life in order to lose weight.

I honestly, just want to stop thinking about losing weight in general.

I’ve added a lot of Body Inspirational women to my Instagram, I’ve gotten really into My Peak Challenge, I’ve started doing the grocery shopping in my house because then I’m in control of the goodies that come in. I’ve started cooking again.

I’ve taken a stand in a way. I’m in no way obese or a “health risk”. At least not according to how I feel in my own body recently. (Which thanks to doing MPC I feel a hell of a lot stronger. Yes. That was me patting myself on the back for getting my ass up.) I’m 5 foot 6, weigh 200 pounds (I’ve recently lost five. I expect more to get out of here because I’m currently menstruating and that usually means I’ve gained 5 pounds of pure water weight.) and have an addiction to coffee.

That coffee thing is really hard to beat when you work with kids, let me tell you. The 3 year old talks a mile a minute and it’s all I can do to keep up with his train of thought!

Anyway.

My point is: I’ve stopped dieting. And started planning. Which is it so fucking different from dieting let me tell you. I’m not starving, I’m not angry, I’m not looking for loopholes, sneaking fast food, or devouring carbs like a gremlin in the dark of the night.

‘Meal Plan’ sounds so much more positive than “Diet’. I mean, diet has the word ‘die’ in it. Come on.

But MEAL PLAN, dude, that’s a plan to eat meals. That sounds awesome! PLANNING TO EAT IS SO GREAT.

And some people will think that there’s barely a difference, because I’m still restricting certain foods. But I’m also trying to do intuitive eating, which is thinking about what I’m chomping on and how it makes me feel and my body feel. And let me tell you, pops are dead to me, certain candy is dead to me, I hate to say it, but potatoes are kind of dead to me (I’ll never give up on poutines though. NEVER.) and certain breads are goners too.

So that’s where I’m at this month with my working out and planning. It’s actually been really nice to be able to feel powerful again.

Do what you got to do for you, and you’ll only get stronger!

Keep moving forward!

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Keep Moving Forward

Keep Moving Forward

I can’t sleep lately and it’s for the dumbest reason possible. Not something I like admitting has been plaguing my thoughts for weeks (years more likely) and I’m starting to get so mad at myself that I can’t sleep.

I’m not losing weight.

There it is in all its pathetic glory. Those four stupid words that I hate repeating. Because I’m not just repeating them to myself, I tell my friends, my family, you guys, Doomsday, hell I’ve probably ended up saying it to total strangers at some point in my life. It’s ridiculous. I am more than this. I am more than the weight I carry or how I look in a picture. I know this. I know this deep down and up front, but still I sit here thinking about how disappointed I am in myself because I’ve once again let this get the better of me.

It’s not all about what I’m eating or how little I exercise, sometimes I gain weight when I’ve been eating really well or maintain even though I’ve gorged. My body is nuts because my brain is keeping it trapped somehow.

I’m self conscious about a lot of things, most of which I’m using my weight as an excuse to not try something new or go out on a limb for.

My brain is holding me hostage in my own body.

Literally encasing me so that I think that I’m not pretty enough or thin enough to do the things I want to. I want to sign up for dance classes, but I think I’m too fat to ever be a dancer. (Hello dummy brain: If I take dance classes I’ll lose weight.) I want to go back to singing and piano because they made me really happy but I’ve gained 20 pounds since my teachers saw me and I don’t want them to see me like that. (Hello dummy brain: neither of them gives a tiny rats hind quarters. They’ve seen you at your worst and best some in-between isn’t going to make a difference in how they see you as a human being.) I want to fall in love but looking in the mirror lately kind of makes it harder and harder for me to believe that someone is going to look at this same naked body and fan themselves because they are getting heart palpitations. (Hello dummy brain: Whoever does fall in love with us will fall in love with our hearts first and our asses second. Either way you’re well rounded. Wink.)

So you can see that I’m boxing myself in with not only my neuroses but with a literal fat cage.

This weeks motivation is simple (although harder to follow than to give as a direct order to myself):

Cry or Try?

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Comedy, Quotes, True Story

Skinny Bitch–Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin

Holy mother, the last book I reviewed was Tommyknockers? I read that in November! Jesus. And now Skinny Bitch? I seriously need to update my book folder. This is madness I say! Madness!

Anyway, I liked this book. As I’m sure you’ve noticed, I have a short attention span and that becomes a hell of a lot shorter when people try to tell me what to do, what to eat, that I should exercise, that I should get a “real” job, that I should stop being so mean, that I should stop being so nice, that I should blah blah blah blah blah. Leave me alone meddlers! Live your own sad existence and leave me to mine!

(Sidebar: In the future I plan on having a jeep, a tiny house on wheels and a dog named Carol, so who really has a good idea of what the future should hold for me? Oh I forgot to put a career in there. Damn it. Story of my life. Author! Boom! Careered…now if only I could make that a reality…)

Right. Skinny Bitch.

So because of my short attention span I only made it through half of Alicia Silverstones book on being a vegan and why it’s a good idea. Hey I stuck around long enough that I gave up cows milk entirely. That seriously made me sick reading that. There’s pus and blood in there?! EW! AND it hurts the cows?! Cows are my favourite! They are like really big fat dogs. Have you ever seen them run and jump?! OH MA GAWD!!!!

Okay. I’m getting really off topic today.

SO Skinny Bitch is right up my alley. It tells you things like how aspartame turns into formaldehyde in your system and keeps it real the whole book. It doesn’t pull any punches, it tells you you’re being a fatty and need to stop your fatty ways. And I really needed to hear it. Tough love mother fuckers!

If you are like me and need things pointed out to you in a way that is basically like someone punching you in the head, then definitely read this book. It was informative and sassy.

Please do not send me long comments about the following: diets, cows, Alicia Silverstone, becoming a vegan, or anything to do with my diet and morals. I don’t want/need long diatribes on any of these topics. Not to point fingers, but vegans are classic long winded speech makers.

Calm down. You can’t turn me. I like cheese and bacon. I let you live your life, let me live mine.

Constant  vealigance! Wordplay. Haha