Pride and Pleasure–Sylvia Day

I love a good romance novel that 100% promises dirty sex scenes. 

I have a juvenile mind where I don’t find these scenes sexy: I find them absurd and a good gut laugh.

Like I laugh my ass off like they told a good joke. 

Man oh man. 

I’m going to die alone. 

Anyway, this is about an heiress (of course) who falls for a brick house of a man (of course) who is named Jasper (duh). 

Because obviously.

I actually really like Sylvia Days writing, and she spun a good yarn while still keeping with certain romance novels tropes but without making the tropes seem corny as hell. 

Not once did she mention anyone with an aquiline nose. Which now that I say that…what in the hell does that even mean???

Oh snap. I looked it up and it says “Like an eagle”. I had no idea! I thought it meant like perfect ski slope or something.

This. Changes. Everything.

Or does it? Probably not.

Constant vigilance! pride

Wifey–Judy Blume

‘Wifey’ is based in the 60s, which I had no idea until I started reading and was like whoa what in the mother, why is everyone hating on black people so hard?! What sort of community is this?!

The hatin’ kind. That’s who.

So after reacclimatizing myself to reading about the racism in the 60s instead of just about a housewife who is bored, I managed to zip through this book pretty easily.

The woman in this is in fact a housewife who is bored and is searching for ways to get out of being bored and then you are reading about her fantasies and sometimes exploits as she tries to sort out her life.

I was on board with this book for awhile, I like Judy Blume and I could make jokes about how she taught me how to be a girl (read: Are You There God, It’s Me, Margaret) and how now she’s teaching me how to be a woman.

The ending was a piece of garbage though. It was one of those endings where nothing was resolved and you don’t know where the characters were going after that and just left so many unanswered questions.

Does she leave her husband? Who gave her gonorrhea? What happened to Shep and his five kids? Does she eventually pull the trigger on the gun and end her life? WHAT THE HELL JUDY BLUME!!!! WHAT THE HELL.

So yeah. There’s that. Read it, it was a good book, but don’t say I didn’t warn you about the ending.

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Big Girl Panties–Stephanie Evanovich

I picked this book up solely because her name is Stephanie Evanovich. I love Janet Evanovichs stuff and I don’t know why I thought this would be similar (it’s not) and I thought she was her daughter. (Turns out neice.)

 

Even so, without once again, reading the back flap, I read this book cover to cover and really enjoyed it. I love not knowing what I’m getting into! It makes reading more of an adventure and less of a decision making process.

 

This book was about widow named Holly who is trying to regain her life. After the death of her husband she gained a lot of weight using food as her biggest crutch. Then she meets Logan Montgomery (writers need to get away from the last name Montgomery, am I right?) on a plane and after his obvious disgust at her body being pushed into the seat next to him they start talking and he finds out she’s not just a mass, she’s a person. As a fitness trainer for famous athletes he’s in the best position to get her back into her body and out of her head.

Naturally, they fall in love. It was genuine, well written, and lovely to read.

Until: It got dirty. It got dirty so fast that I had to take a beat and think “Does this say anything about S and M on the dust jacket?” Then remembering that I hadn’t READ the dust jacket I proceeded to do so. Nope. It’s exactly what I described. Funny thing is, the couple that’s seen as the raunchy spank happy couple seemed the most real and in love to me.

Enter: (double entendre, see what I did there?) All the words one woman came up with to describe a vagina while simultaneously trying to make her audience puke in their mouths a little bit.

Here are a few she came up with (and the worst of the worst):

1)Moist mound.

2)Damp mound.

3)Lush swells (that was actually to describe boobs.)

4)Velvety rim. (I’m dead serious.)

5)Wet cavern.

6)Sweet creaminess that was her essence. (I’m about to puke again.)

and DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!!! My personal favourite:

7)Luscious junction.

This book gave me a good laugh, so it was worth it to read the cringe worthy sex scenes.

Constant vigilance.

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This Bums Me Out

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Can you see what’s happening here? In my beloved Chapters, THIS is what is going on. This is what the world is coming to! Sure, Jersey Shore is kind of funny in a “OMG, look at those fantastic idiots!” kind of what, who doesn’t love some hillbilly action in Here Comes Honey Boo Boo? I love cheesy books, I love cheesy shows, I love the general fool population like I love…well, court jesting fools. With a pat on the head and a cookie like ‘Oh honey, you’re so sweet. Dumb, but sweet.”

There is one thing that I haven’t been able to grasp as to why people like it and that’s Fifty Shades of Grey. I will admit to thinking she could write a sex scene. I’m no liar, you can still read my post on the book. But after attempting the second book, NO. Just a solid ‘NO”. I had New Book Goggles on. Like the first Twilight movie, I didn’t want to believe that something everyone loved so much could be so bad. (And not in a fun bad way, like Ruffio. [Hook, the movie, get it together. I don’t know why that guy is on my mind either, okay?])

Seeing this is a store where they praise reading and the Staff Picks are always great books, this just seriously bums. me. out.

A whole weeeeeird display to these books! Yes, it was hidden in the upstairs corner, but still. It exists. I’m betting that some poor staffer was making this display thinking,” Where did my life go wrong?” I know I would be. I’d also try to throw in some sneaky jabs in the display that only some people would get.

It also really bums me out that someone took the time to write that chicken cookbook. And that people are likely buying it.

It’s  bumming me out that I even had to write this. HAD TO. Because it makes me so upset to see that the dumb dumbs are taking over the world.

We need a Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, somebody smart, funny, and fantastic to take over this situation. [Not THE Situation, I’m so tired of Mike. We get it, you have abs.]

Just: Ugh. You know?

Constant vigilance would kill this kind of thing.

The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty–Anne Rice

*Fans self *

 This book is for my lovely dirty birds. Now, you know I love a good dirty joke, a good dirty story, and a well-written book.

 This didn’t have dirty jokes in it, but this book was really great! I kept seeing this book in thrift stores and I was wondering why this broad was naked on the cover (in a tasteful artsy way) and what exactly Anne Rice meant by “claiming”…

 Well. You find out. You find out within the first two pages. And then you just kind of stare with your mouth open throughout the entire book between bouts of laughter because you are an inexperienced child with an immaturity that makes it impossible for you to take something like this too seriously…

 Overshare?

 Probably. BUT it was so well-written that I think from now on when I see that blooooooody Fifty Shades of Grey in a bookstore I’m going to find this Sleeping Beauty series and cover FSoG with SB because it’s B.S.

 FSoG is NOT erotica. It’s not. It’s not even BDSM. Not at least compared to Sleeping Beauty. This was boooonkers.

    The story is (obviously) about Sleeping Beauty, and the Prince busts into the castle and then wakes her up…with his penis. (I’m now laughing at the word ‘penis’. Because in my mind the way that I said that was like Captain Hammer…’The Hammer is my penis’. Don’t judge me! Watch Dr. Horrible!)

 He literally wakes up the princess by having sex with her and ending the curse. And then takes her to his castle where princesses and princes from all the realms are sex slaves to that realm.

 It’s dirty. Like waaaaaay dirtier than anything I’ve ever read. And it was fantastic because I was so impressed that it was written properly given the subject matter. It would’ve been really easy for Anne Rice to phone it in. But she didn’t and whoa. Just whoa.

Bared to You–Sylvia Day

Nerdy nerdy dirty birdies!

This book is fiiiiiiiilthy! It’s dirty! It’s nasty! It’s too dirty to clean its act up.

Yeah. I just Christina Aguilera circa 2002’d you.

Anyway, for all my dirty birds out there who are looking for something that’s actually literate while being sexy at the same time, this is the book for you! Cost me 50 cents and I don’t even mind that the lady at the thrift store rung me through and looked at the cover.

This book was well written and had well developed characters, so much so that you were actually interested in what happened to them and were rooting for their love story and at the same time were fanning yourself while they violently humped everywhere. Okay, they weren’t violently humping. Not like (earmuffs if you are sick of hearing this book title like I am) Fifty Shades of Grey where there were subs and doms and hitting and spanking and being tied up and gagged and all manners of sexy times BUT the actual story was lost and the characters were wangs. (Haha…wangs. Erotica. I’m a child. Apologies.)

Characters: Gideon Cross, President/Founder/CEO or something of Crossfire something or other. (Give me a break, it’s been like seven books since I read this one.)

And leading lady: Eva…something. Jeez, I need a brain doctor. Neurologist. Yikes.

Anywho…these two meet, sparks, he tells her he wants to hump her, and instead of being like WHOA HOTTY WITH THE BODY! She tells him he’s a creep and to get the ever loving hell away from her.

   Eventually he sees reason and calms down the explicit language and woos her. These characters are actually funny and seem real. Even though they’ve been through traumas in their lives you can actually relate to them and you are hoping they get better and love better and care about what happens to them. Which is what I was really missing in Fifty Shades of Plague.

Now THAT would be a cool book.

I’m rambling. If you want to get hot and bothered without the whips and chains and now Rihanna song stuck in your head, read this book. Where Fifty Shades of *pukes down front* was barely tolerable OR readable, this is.

Fifty Shades Darker–E.L. James

So Fifty Shades of Grey left us in a tailspin of emotion, a roller coaster ride of uncertainty, a hailstorm of wonder!

Haha, just kidding.

It left us thinking they weren’t going to be together. Well, obviously they get back together or there wouldn’t be two more books.

They need to “talk out” their problems because in the last book Christian gave Ana the ass kicking of a lifetime via a whip or a paddle…I forget. Might’ve been a riding crop. It was like four books ago for me, so that detail is lost.

Anyway, he spanked her with something and didn’t hold back, she wanted to know how dark things would get with him. She didn’t like it, freaked the hell out on him (even though he warned her) and ran away.

This book is based five days later where she’s debating whether she overreacted.

Dumb whore.

Not for her curiosity, I get that. I understand that she wanted to understand him better and just how deep his love of dominating people really goes.

What I do not understand is why she’s reconsidering her reaction and thoughts about breaking up with him when she was completely in the right. Nobody should want to hurt you in order to love you. It’s not how love works. (Even Christian admits that it’s not part of love, it’s a deep seeded feeling he has towards being neglected by his mother and wanting to dominate women. If the guy with the paddle is saying this isn’t love, then why does Ana continually think it is???)

If you want to know how love works please refer to a Jude Deveraux book or the greatest love encyclopedia ever written: All the Harry Potters.

So, of course, this stupid ass gets back together with him with the promise that they’ll talk out their issues with each other.

Instead they hump and proclaim their love for each other while not talking it out or making any real life situation type acts. This is all so fabricated that I can’t believe this happens to anyone ever.

And I hope to God it never does because if my friends or family are this stupid that they believe that to get someone to love you, you have to accept that they like to dominate and abuse women then they are completely off the charts!

Okay. I’m going a little crazy. This is a whole other rant.

Funnily enough, the writing was slightly more readable than the last one. The sex was getting so ridiculous that it was borderline boring and I ignored it whenever they started going at it.

So I read like four pages of this book.

It’s starting to make me angry that people like these books. I’m taking a break for a while before I finish the series. (Which never happens. Unless you count Game of Thrones, but that’s because it takes like 8 months to read one.)

I’ve gotten to the point where when I see these in Walmart or a bookstore I walk around picking up books I like better and covering Fifty Shades of Cray with the better book.

Haha. I’m terrible like that. (So don’t be surprised if you see Hunger Games and Harry Potters all over the stacks in the Guelph Walmart. That was me. You’re welcome.)

Fifty Shades of Grey–E.L. James

Yeah. This one. I read this. Don’t judge me. My curiosity got the better of me.

This is what I read after like seven really great and interesting books (in their own rights).

My friend told me to forget what everyone told me about these books, about the bad writing, and disturbing sex scenes, about how wonderful it is and how sexy, and basically just erase my memory of months of opinions and make up my own mind about it. (Would you be able to? Because it took awhile.)

My singing teacher put this book down after reading the first page. And I deeply value her opinion, so you can imagine that I was terrified to read these books and, God forbid, actually like them.

My friend said that the characters were kind of funny if I can get past the bad writing and just skim the sex scenes. Also to not read all three in a row or I’ll want to die.

She was right. Kind of.

In my humble opinion:

This is not the worst book I’ve ever read. But it certainly is not the best. It’s not even really in the middle. It’s more like…I don’t even know. The writing was horrible, it was like I wrote this in the second grade if you hit me over the head with a two by four. That’s just the love parts though. Even second grade me would know that you couldn’t just get over a guy beating you (spanking is a form of a abuse that even Christian says he likes because of the punishment aspect of it. He’s not lightly spanking her, he’s got canes on his wall for Christsake.) and decide that you love him. It’s abuse dummy. Not to mention that they never talk out their feelings, they say they will, but they don’t. They just hump all the time. I’m not averse to sex scenes. I read romance novels, so they come up every once in awhile and I’m not setting the book on fire or wanting to vomit when I read it. I’m a grown up to a certain extent. (Okay, so I giggle through them like a 14 year old boy.)

The funny part about these books is that this woman can write the hell out of a sex scene. Sure, she repeats things like “he had me panting’ like four hundred times, that gets annoying, but other than that it wasn’t the worst sex scenes to read.  It was like research to me on what BDSM is about.

And I think I can safely say: it’s not for me. If someone put me in this situation I would laugh them out of town! And since I hadn’t signed crap to keep me quiet I would ABSOLUTELY tell my best friend this guy has some problems.

“Sex scenes”–Okay, maybe because they were strange and “erotic” they were the worst scenes because there was no love involved, but after awhile you really do just skim them so you aren’t annoyed..

Which is NOT what a book should make you do. Just so you know. Just so you’re aware.

Books should draw you in and make you enjoy the storyline so much that you forget that these are fictional characters and not real people.

This book didn’t do that.

It was barely readable. I think my eyes glazed over at one point and I was just looking like I was reading. I don’t think I’ve ever mimed reading a book before.

Read it, don’t read it. I could care less when it comes to these books. It’s really a personal opinion kind of thing. I usually find that people who aren’t big readers did enjoy it, but people who read a lot more thought it was awful.

I think I’m in the in between because I didn’t want to set it on fire, but if it was on fire I wouldn’t try to put it out.

If the zombie apocalypse really did happen, these would be the first books I would burn in the event of a power outage.

Just so future generations wouldn’t judge us when they see ‘Bestseller’ on the cover.