Keep Moving Forward

KMF: Et tu, Uterus?

Have you ever been up night mind going in circles and then you fixate on one thing and then that thing becomes the thing that you are panicking about all week?

Hi there. My name is Allison.

And I Googled how many eggs I have left to procreate with.

On Saturday.

And I’m still losing it.

Much like all my eggs.

Okay, so I get panic attacks every once in awhile. I have self diagnosed that I have social anxieties, which is triggered by my also being an empath and highly able to feel other peoples emotions and those usually affect how I feel throughout the day.

(Hello only hanging with a toddler because he has such good energy and his is the only one I can take most of the time haha.)

Well, when I’m PMSing all of that blows up like the goddamn Fourth of July, but instead of fireworks it’s anxiety attacks over something that I wouldn’t give two flying fucks over generally.

So I’m just sitting there on Saturday night after having a drink (just one.) and some pie and thinking in circles about nothing and then I couldn’t sleep because my brain wouldn’t shut up, so I made a terrible decision and Googled just how many eggs I will have left by the time I’m 30. (Rolling up to 29 in 2 months.) Because curiosity, right? Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with a little internet check up on my lady parts.

Wrong.

By the time I hit 30 (and this is the internet talking.) I will have 1/8th of my eggs left that I was born with. By 40 12%. I’m not good at math but…

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Nope. No kidding for me. (Pun, get it? Haw haw.)

This is especially traumatizing and panic inducing because of two things:

  1. I’ve never had a boyfriend, let alone a serious enough relationship to ever consider kids with that person.

And 2. I want an army of children. (Probably up until I actually push a kid out of me and then I’ll be like “Just the one, please.”)

This has had my head spinning for days. Basically every woman in my mothers generation of my family had kids early. By this point my mom had all five of us, and I’ve always wanted five kids because we always have so much fun together. And I wanted to be a fun, young mom.

Then my cousins started breeding and it’s like they just couldn’t stop! And they’ve been doing that since at least being 25.

And now all my friends are like “Hey girl…we’re thinking about starting a family.”

And I’m all like “Like a dog family? That’s so cute!”

“No. A human. A human baby.”

“Oh. That’s less exciting than a dog, but I’m sure I’ll like your kid anyway because it’ll be a chubby non-talking version of you. I’m going to squish the hell out of its fat face.”

“Non-talking?”

“You are always saying nonsense about things. Like making teacup humans.”

“You’re nuts.”

“You’re nuts for wanting to push something out of your cooter.”

Friendship over.

Now, I’ve since then gotten my period. (Is this over sharing? I’m not particularly ashamed of getting my period, more annoyed than anything else.) Which means that I’m losing even more eggs.

…Guys. I’m freaking the fuck out.

Not enough to go full crazy and trap some random into having a kid with me, but enough that I sometimes cry during PMS because Daryl isn’t ACTUALLY my baby. [That level of bananas is happening man. What is my uterus trying to do here??? Get me pregnant. That’s what.]

But I might be thinking very deeply about going to get some eggs frozen because there is nothing more appealing to me than telling them that they are all Captain America when they are born. But really, that just seems a smart solution to my uterus trying to convince me at every turn that I need to let it serve its purpose.

Balls.

Being not a girl but not yet a woman is really difficult.

I’m not done cooking, it’s rude that my body wants me to bake a bun.

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This picture says it all haha.

Keep moving forward ladies.

Teen

The House of Hades–Rick Riordan

Wwwweeell, Annabeth and Percy kind of sort of fell into Tartarus.

Whoops.

This is their battle to get out and close the Doors of Death while the team up top tries to find them and close it from the other side. As naturally, it has to be a team effort.

Now, this book was brilliant in that it involves Nico di Angelo more, someone from the original series who has been in and out of our lives, he knew about both camps and kept it to himself for the safety of everyone, he can raise the dead, he can shadow travel, he can command hellhounds.

And the kid is just plain old cool to me.

He’s been one of my favourite characters since we met him early on where he was obsessed with a card game called Mythomagic. He was bouncy and exuberant but as he grew so did his darkness.

Nico was hiding many secrets, not the one where he was trapped in a time warping casino since the 40s, but the one where he wasn’t in love with Annabeth, but he was in love with Percy.

This is the first gay character I’ve read in a teen series! (As far as I’m aware.)

And the best part of it is that while Nico is ashamed and scared to reveal this about himself because he was born in a time where it was seen as a bad and shameful thing, when he DOES tell someone about it, they act like a person should and treat him with respect and kindness and show that it really isn’t a big deal, they are still themselves and just because you like someone of the same sex doesn’t mean you are a freak or any less a member of the team.

You still matter.

Rick Riordan is so good at writing and including everyone without making it seem forced or like he has an agenda, because I don’t think he does. He’s just writing about PEOPLE being people.

I love these books. I’m so happy.

Constant vigilance.

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