Biography, Keep Moving Forward

Very Good Lives–J.K. Rowling

Sometimes I feel the need to curl up in J.K. Rowling’s writing like a security blanket. Harry Potter is obviously my favourite book series, even though I promised not to read it for five years after the movies were over I still broke that promise to myself and snuck them in a few times when I was stuck in a book rut and needed to break out.

I grew up with them and learned how to be a kind and clever person. So it only seems natural that in a transitional phase of my life, where I don’t know where I’m going, what I’m doing, who I want to remain, what I want to do with my life, and generally growing up from my 20s into my 30s, that I need her.

And this time she was making a very valid point:

Failure is good.

Failure IS an option.

 

Failure helps you learn more than success sometimes. And it’s not shameful or something you need to guilt yourself over.

This was a speech she had written for graduates at Harvard, and while it’s short, she makes you feel better if all you’ve ever felt you’ve done is fail. Or at least have a day where you feel like that’s all you’ve done and you are trapped in your own cry factory and BooHoo Festival.

Everyone needs to read this when they are feel stuck or like a failure or like their lives aren’t going anywhere.

She always puts things in perspective in a smart and articulate way that speaks to real people.

Curl up in her words, it’ll make you feel better, I promise.

Jo always has my back.

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Keep Moving Forward

Keep Moving Forward: Two Weeks

As if it’s been two weeks since I had to say goodbye to Doomsday. I said I was going to talk about it sooner, but I wasn’t quite ready for it.

It’s been a very weird experience, and I think I finally understand what people are talking about when they say “loss”. I used to be like “You didn’t lose that person or pet! You know where they went! To The Death! You didn’t lose them in a mall, they are gone, but not lost.”

And I think that’s a very important distinction sure, but with her being gone there are several things that are lost in the wind as her body is gone but her soul remained within me.

I haven’t felt such sadness since my dog Envy was gone. And I genuinely thought that was top level sadness.

Now, Doomsday was called a lot of things in her time and I was called a lot of things because of my love for her. (Ie. “Crazy” “Obsessed” “Nutbag”) But there is one thing that people kept saying to me about her and our life together when I would tell them that I needed to get home to see her or that I wanted to hang out with her in the evenings instead of socialize with human beings.

She was called “Just a rabbit”.

Oh hell no.

Any living creature is never “just” anything. If that creature is loved and can be loved then they are JUST amazing and wonderful.

Never step up to me and call any of my animal family members JUST my dogs. Or JUST my rabbit. Or JUST my little sister.

How dare you. Sir.

Let me tell you why I’m grieving so hard for this rabbit:

Because I love her.

No past tense. I still love her. That love doesn’t leave just because she is no longer physically here.

If anything, it magnified and reminded me of what our love was and what it had grown into.

That girl had personality. If she didn’t like something she let you know. (Sound familiar?) The vet told me last year that she has never seen a rabbit with more personality in their eyes. She was spewing pure venom because we were getting her cysts drained and she hated that.

There are things that I miss so damn much about her already. Mainly the things that irritated the fuck out of me when she was here.

That water bottle noise.

Anyone who has a small pet that lives in a cage knows what I’m talking about. That stupid noise was like a beacon to let me know she was still there. And now it’s gone and I can’t sleep. I’ve had to have a couple of naps when Daryl naps because I’m so exhausted during the day.

After almost 8 years together that noise had been my lullaby and now it’s missing and I haven’t gone to bed on time or even in the near vicinity of 10 pm for the last two weeks.

I also miss her rubbing her face on my ankles to claim me. And I hate when people touch my ankles. But with her it was sweet. Even though sometimes she would get on my ankle and I would be terrified that she would hump me. (We never got that far because she tickled so much. And it’s fucking creepy as all hell.)

I miss kisses. Bunny kisses are unicorn magic because that’s how they REALLY express love.

This has been one of the harder times of my life just because I had to go through cleaning her stuff out of my room. And there was a lot more than I thought. For such a small being she had a lot of stuff. Including the carpet in my room because she hated to run around on the wood floor. Everything in my room was set up to protect her or protect the thing from chewing that thing.

My room has a giant void.

I moved her stuff out earlier than I probably would have for two reasons:

  1. Dexter (who was her friend and is a our Doodle) keeps looking for her in the cage and can’t relax in my room. It was confusing both the dogs.

2)Every time I looked at the empty cage I started crying. While crying it out is good, I didn’t want to do it every ten seconds while trying to get anything accomplished in my room.

And I had so many weird habits that included her in my life. Like coming into the room at the end of the day and saying “Hello Cuckoo.” or when I was leaving I would make a weird noise and bunny ears at her. Even just facing my laptop over so she could watch Supernatural with me.

Have I mentioned I’m insane?

My guts hurt still hurt and I don’t know how I’ll handle having to pick her up from the vet in a new sort of carrying case. (Ie. An urn. Yes, I’m that crazy person who gets their pet cremated.)

I miss kisses, and snuggles, and even her nipping me to pay attention to her, I miss her angry stomps and funny noises, and chasing each other, and how funny she was when she would jump on my bed or whip around in excitement.

Bunnies are the best. She was the best. And it was so hard to hold her tiny body in my arms and listen to the vet say the most difficult words “She’s gone.” to me.

But now I’ll have to keep moving forward without her. So I’ve come up with a way of dealing…which is that she is now my Patronus. When I’m sad or anxious or darkness is coming over me, I just picture her as her black form with the smoke of a Patronus hopping around me to protect me. Now I just assume her spirit is trailing after me and seeing the world instead of just my bedroom.

Fingers crossed.

This is our first day together. So tiny! Fit into my hand! (And used to sit on my shoulders like a parrot haha)

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Keep Moving Forward

Keep Moving Forward: Body Image Edition

I read this article on HelloGiggles.com the other day that said something that really spoke to me. It was about not just how we view our bodies but how we talk to it, how we treat it, how we spend most of our time hating it and wishing it were different instead of appreciating what it already is when our bodies are always there for us to take care of us and never give up trying to.

Last night the thought “I’m not me. I’m not the right weight.” Popped into my head as I looked at my body.

Here’s the thing: I’ve been teetering between 160 and 190 for the last three years. Before that it was between 140-160. I’m 5”6 which means that I “should be” teetering between 135-145.

But I’ve been there. I’ve been that weight and I distinctly remember thinking “Ew.”

Not because I was hideous or gross. But because I could feel my ribs. I could see my knobby knees. I could fit into my little sisters t-shirts. (At the time she was 13.) In my mind I was too small. I was too thin. I wanted more curves and to actually look like a woman. And now that I actually do look like a woman my mind is still going “Ew.”

My entire life has been a constant thought of “Ew.” When it comes to my body. Sure, I get clarity every once in awhile and think “Hey hot stuff.” But mostly it’s “Ew.”

Now, I can go on thinking that about the body that has cared for me my entire life, the body that has tried to right every wrong I’ve put in there or virus or sickness, what have you, or I could start appreciating that this particular body has put up with my yo-yo weight, my barrage of hatred toward my soft chunky dimpled parts, my forgetting to eat, my waking it up before it was ready, my poking prodding and overall make up/beauty regime where I curse myself for having light eyebrows and no lips. I can appreciate that when I get sick my body is the one who is fighting the good fight, that it keeps on going even when I’m dead tired, even when I’ve been trekking through foreign countries and have run it off its feet, when I give it blister after blister and all it does is knit my skin back together after the hundredth time of this.

I can keeping thinking “Ew.” Or I can start saying “Thank you.” Because if there’s one thing in this world that I should be grateful for, it’s that I have a body that can do all of those wonderful things.

So what if I have cellulite or thinning hair, or back fat? God forbid I enjoy eating. If I wasn’t suppose to sit on my ass and eat then the good Lord wouldn’t have made food so delicious and books so fucking hilarious.

And for the record, I think I’m at the perfect weight because it’s making me appreciate how my body works and what I can do to help the old girl. It’s making me think harder about what’s going on here and how to view life.

So the next time I say “Ew” when I see something on my body I dislike, I’m going to change my thought into “That’s supposed to be there.”

It may be a ridiculous lesson, but I needed it.

Keep Moving Forward.

Here’s the article:

http://hellogiggles.com/open-letter-apology-body

index I had to haha.

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Modern Classic

The Kite Runner–Khaled Hosseini

This book made me hate online dating. Now I know what you are thinking “What in the HELL does The Kite Runner have to do with online dating?”. Nothing. Nothing at all. There isn’t online dating in the book AT ALL. BUT, I was in one of my weird ‘Boohoo I don’t have a boyfriend’ jags so I thought that it was a good idea to try online dating again since meeting people in person with my Bitchy Resting Face Syndrome isn’t helping me at all.

Again, what does one have to do with the other? Well, I was reading this during that point and I end up talking to guys about books since I make a point of writing:

“If you don’t read, don’t bother.”

Because I also have Bitchy Writing Face.

So I’m just sitting here (well, in Vancouver) reading this book and thinking how wonderful it is and sweet and these kids are such cute friends and how Hassan is amazing (and the fact that I remember his name after I read this book MONTHS ago speaks volumes since I can barely remember my own name half the damn time) and a sweetheart and I want to put them both in my pocket.

Fool of a Took that I am, I mentioned to this one guy that I was casually talking to for a day and a half, that I was reading The Kite Runner and he IMMEDIATELY drops a huge spoiler!

Obviously I’m not going to tell you what it is. But can you imagine a perfect stranger just BOOM. Here’s what happened to the kids and changes the entire tone of the book for every reader.

I deleted every single online dating account I had and I haven’t been back since. You don’t just do that to a person! That’s the rudest thing anyone can do to an avid reader! Especially on a book where you’ve told the person you haven’t heard anything about it and are excited to read it because it’s been on your reading list for years.

He’s just lucky he wasn’t in the room with me because I would’ve thrown a lamp at his head.

Although, I guess if I didn’t beat the holy crap out of my cousin for spoiling Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince then I wouldn’t bludgeon a complete stranger.

Spoilers are a no-no in my world and I would rather be alone with my books forever than be with someone who thinks that is okay.

CONSTANT VIGILANCE.

….I should probably mention that this book is amazing and interesting in how it flips on you and that you should add it to your reading list because it was infuriating (not just because of the spoilers) and sickening and made me so mad I threw it across the room and sobbed and so happy and just every extreme emotion at some point while I read it. When you are done, message me and we can cry about it together.

Kite Runner