Kris Jenner and All Things Kardashian–Kris Jenner

This book was deceiving as fuck. 

Given the title I thought I was just about to read you know…gossip. 

Totally expected Kris to dish with me on …well ‘All Things Kardashian’.

I thought I was going to read a palette cleansing book before moving on to other more in-depth and interesting books, but Kris surprised me by not just being a decent writer and story-teller, but by having an interesting life before her kids and before Bruce. (AKA: Caitlyn. This book was written when they were still together and in love and nothing had come to light.) 

What I did NOT expect was that she was going to spend most of the book talking about her friend Nicole Brown Simpson and the OJ Simpson trial and how it affected her family and friends. It was interesting to get her perspective, and I don’t just mean interesting in a gossip seeking way. She ACTUALLY had real tea to spill and real information to share.

And real heartbreak that she went through. 

I really enjoyed this book, you know, as much as you can about a family going through tragedy.

It was super interesting: Up until she started talking about her kids careers. 

B-oring.

Constant vigilance!

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The Dollhouse–The Kardashians

Judge me if you will but I have a sick curiosity about books written not just by celebrities but collaborations. How do three people write a novel?

A better question would be: How much did these three women really contribute to this book? I’m betting there was a great deal of work done by a fourth woman on this.

Although I could totally see Khloe writing a book on her own. And Kourtney seems pretty put together business-wise and like she would just randomly be like ‘I’m going to write a book’. I guess the only one I don’t really believe did this is Kim. And that’s not because I think she’s dumb or anything like that, I actually think she’s quite clever and has a good head for business. (Yes, I am a Kardashian supporter, even if I’ve stopped watching the show.) I just don’t think she’s interested in writing.

That being said, I was, as always with books like this, surprised that I enjoyed even a quarter of it.

The book is based on the three girls lives, but they have made up characters for them. Naturally all with K names. But they are all working for their mother in a family owned restaurant, one who gets fame sooner than the others, one that gets pregnant out of nowhere, and the third who happens to like to make out with her step brother.

It was surreal. It was odd. But it wasn’t terrible.

Given that the writing likely belonged to someone else it was fairly good in that it had a lot of drama and frivolity without being completely over the top and idiotic.

And while I don’t see a sequel ever coming, it wasn’t the worst book I’ve ever read. It actually made me laugh. Like, a real laugh. Not a sarcastic one.

Good summer read for sure.

Konstant vigilance. (See what I did there?)

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KMF: Treat Yo Self

This week I was feeling like a bag of garbage. My haircut is currently a mess due to growing it out for a wedding next year. (Through no fault of my friends, I’m sure she doesn’t give two shits if hairdressers have anything to work with come the time of her wedding.) My eyebrows were starting to look like individual angry Hulks, ‘stache city, and gnarly nails.

While looks aren’t the most important thing to me (they only make Top 20 because I try not to completely tip over into looking like a street urchin, and I work with kids and have wrestling matches so what’s the point in my hair looking good during the day? Most of the time I come home looking like I’ve been wrestled by a mongoose not a two year old.) it’s interesting the affect it takes on a person.

Yesterday morning I was telling myself I looked like a bag of garbage because I don’t know what to do with my hair anymore. I was telling myself I looked like garbage because my eyebrows had a few extra hairs that my old glasses normally would’ve covered and I wouldn’t have thought about for probably another three months. (I’m naturally blonde so who gives a fuck, right? And I’m one of the most hairless people I know.) I was telling myself that I looked like garbage because my hands and fingernails weren’t at their best. I was telling myself I was a big fat ugly bag of garbage because of a few rogue hairs.

What in the actual fuck.

GARBAGE? I was calling myself ‘garbage’. I am not:

gar·bage
ˈɡärbij/

noun: garbage
1 wasted or spoiled food and other refuse, as from a kitchen or household.

OR

2 a thing that is considered worthless or meaningless.”a store full of overpriced garbage”

I am not overpriced garbage.

I know this. Most of the time. So in a bid to snap the hell out of it. The simplest thing would be to remedy all the things that were bugging me physically.

I decided that I would pamper the hell out of myself yesterday and show myself I’m not garbage, and thankfully my favourite salon had an opening.

In the grand scheme of things I care very little about eyebrow hair. And even less about a blonde barely there moustache hair. So those would be the first to go because it’s ridiculous to give them a second though. So boom. Gone. Sleek as fuck.

The most important thing I did yesterday was for a body part I use the most and think of treating the least.

My hands. My lovely 29 year old hands have been bruised, battered, cut, slammed, poked, prodded, and beaten to hell. And all that’s just from cross stitching and knitting.

So I decided to get a manicure. Something that I haven’t done probably since prom. At the very least. And because I usually just cut my nails short and call it a day because I’m always doing something with them that messes up my nail polish so what’s the point?

The point is the hand massage bitches.

Why haven’t I been doing that more often? Forget the cuticle cleaning, or even the applying of nail polish or any of that. The hand massage alone was exactly what I needed. If you can’t afford/don’t care about getting your nails done, get someone to massage your hands with moisturizer. Because it was so lovely!

Plus the girl doing my nails told me ghost stories, which was fun. Haha .

My point is: Don’t talk to yourself that way. I’m trying really hard not to. Treat yourself to something you wouldn’t normally treat yourself to. Be kind. (Always) And then go and buy the on sale Kardashian moisturizer and perfume kit for $13 at Winners like a goddamn queen.

I went spa crazy yesterday. I even bought one of those weird things that pulls out your blackheads and those weird towel things that’s not a towel that wraps around your head so that you don’t damage your hair. And an on sale Ralph Lauren bathrobe.

Because I’m a mother fucking queen.

I also only buy things on sale now because I’m a cheap queen! haha.

Whatever. I feel like a million bucks for under 200 bucks.

Treat yo self. Keep moving forward.