The Rules According to JWowW–Jenni Farley

Guys…I know you know me in a sense. You know I read these types of books out of sheer curiosity and a sickness that I can only justify as “I need to know why this person thinks they can write a book and how on earth did it get published and who the hell reads this and takes this seriously and oh my god am I that person? No. No I’m not that person, I have a good head on my shoulders, I know this is pure nonsense. Everything will be fine. This is just a trashy summer book.”

Well fuck was I wrong.

I’ll admit it, as we all should: I judge books by their cover.

Just books, not people calm down.

Except…this books cover is a picture of JWowW dressed like a sexy teacher so maybe I was judging her a bit.

Except…that I kind of love everything she is about in real life.

Okay, now you’re just judging me. Ah well! She’s a no-nonsense mom who loves her body,  who can argue with that? (Especially since she’s definitely the type of person who would clock you. I’ve seen it. On tv. I watch Jersey Shore. OH SHUT UP OKAY.)

Anyway. This book was surprising! Because it wasn’t pure trash. It wasn’t like the dumb and painful Situations book. It wasn’t a trashy summer book written about two girls on the Jersey Shore like Snooki’s.

The cover leads you to believe it’ll be just about sex. You would think that she would give advice about like…boning and you’re done.

But in reality, she gave sound advice on how to treat people like people and with respect and how to behave in a relationship. And how NOT to talk to people like an asshole. It was really nice actually.

You would never get that given the cover, but I’m actually glad that I read this.

And that’s really all I have to say about that.



Paddle Your Own Canoe–Nick Offerman

If Mindy Kaling is my spirit animal, Nick Offerman is my disgruntled guardian angel.
He has a special way of speaking and writing that is so inviting I’m looking forward to his other works.

This book is so chock-full of wisdom that you come away a better person. Or at the very least, with some words of wisdom on how to not be a dick.

And a person who feels like they can paddle their own canoe and just “do you”, so to speak.

His stories about person and professional triumphs and failures made me feel like I’m not alone in this world and that here, here is a kindred spirit of wildness and subtleness, someone who while also being quite reserved, has a filthy mind. A kindred spirit who knows that working with your hands is one of the most rewarding things on the planet and that looking at something you made is important (no matter what it is.) especially if you put your heart and soul into it.

He made me realize certain things about myself that I wouldn’t have otherwise known or recognized if they came along. And not just about “paddling my own canoe”, but what I would want in a relationship, friendships, and dreams I’ve put on the back burner.

This man is a unique and forthright person and I’m so happy for him that he found a person who loves him and supports him and has a filthier mouth and mind than he does.

It’s good to know that Megan Mullally and Nick are together and love as much as they can and are complete goons together. It’s just so nice to read.

Even if he’s talking about a song he wrote where he’s doing her in the ass.

Constant vigilance! …That’s an unfortunate phrase right after that sentence.


Keep Moving Forward

Today I want to talk about hope. It seems to me that everyone I know is going through a rough time this year while I sit around holding onto my light beam of hope in the future and try to make them see the light too while also not letting my hope dwindle as everyone goes down with the ship.

I’ll tell you what I don’t have so you can see that I need hope:

1)    I don’t have a boyfriend. This is something that has been brought up countless times in my 27 years so I figured that should go first.

2)    I don’t have a job. For the hundredth time in the last four years.

3)I don’t have kids. This is another thing that seems to bother people.

4)My friends all live 45 minutes or more away from me. So I don’t have a regular social life.

So those are the 5 main things that a persons life is made up of, yes? Family, friends, love life, social life, and work.

I have a handful of those, but buckets of hope. I honestly believe that I am meant for something great which is why I flounder so much in the menial. I’m gathering information for whatever the big thing is that’s coming for me. I don’t even know what it is, but I bet it’s going to be awesome and day-to-day stuff can get pretty tedious and annoying to me. I spend most of my time waiting.

I believe in me (most of the time, I am human after all) and I can’t believe that some of my friends and family members don’t believe in themselves. If you are in my life it’s not by mistake. I think the sun shines out of your ass and that’s why I keep you around. So by telling me that you’ve lost faith in yourself and whatever is going on in your life it makes me get real mad that you are accidentally arguing with my judgment and decision making abilities.

How dare you question me.

How dare you think you are anything less than what I see.

I’m not God, but I reserve the right to tell you that you are my people and I love you and you need to have some faith in the bigger picture. (Even if you can’t see it.) I also reserve the right to tell you to pull your head out of your ass.

…this was suppose to be about giving you more hope, but I’m so mad right now that I can’t even concentrate on the topic.

If all of you with your jobs, boyfriends, social lives and family lives have nothing and everything is falling apart, then what the hell kind of joke is my life to you? Do you think that I just run around being a ding-dong all the time and nothing touches me? Hell no! I’m petrified I will amount to nothing and that I will continue being on this hamster wheel where nothing gets done and nothing goes on in my life. I’ll tell you right now, that I try. That’s my secret. Most people don’t see it because my trying often looks like I’m lying on my bed with my computer. (The curse of the writer. The 2nd curse is the internet.)

But sometimes trying is just being present and breathing. I have social anxieties, I’m terrified all the time that I’m going to die alone, that I’m going to lose my family members, my friends, that I’m going to have another year where I don’t have a steady job and I go a little insane. That I won’t be able to write a word because sometimes there is nothing going on in my life and the writers block comes and snatches my own thoughts and feelings from me like a reaper in the night.

I need help sometimes; I have friends that point out all the greatness that I’ve achieved when I really need it. Sometimes, it’s all I can do to get up off the floor and try some more. Sometimes it feels like I can’t do anything right and nothing is ever going to happen to me. But I hope. I hope so hard I’m sure I’m giving myself an ulcer.

Life is hard, but we’re all just making it up as we go along. That’s all you need to think of when you are feeling alone. There are 6 billion other people on this planet just trudging along pretending like they know what they are doing but they don’t. Seriously.

My little light beam that keeps me standing is hope. Hope that in the future I will have the courage to love more, I will have the courage to be more than what I am, have the courage to ask without shame and to be myself all the time.

So you cut out your self-bashing right now. Because if you wouldn’t say it to another human being then why the hell are you talking to yourself that way? You have to spend the rest of your life with you and wouldn’t you rather that the you you spend it with is a kind and uplifting you?

You is kind. You is smart. YOU IS IMPORTANT.

Whenever you feel down and out just remember that a ginger temp from Chiswick became the most important woman in the universe. Remember that if you have clear eyes, full hearts, you can’t lose. Remember that happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light. Remember to keep moving forward.

Remember: Constant vigilance.