Keep Moving Forward, Love Story, romance novels, True Story

Happy V-Day!

Okay ladies now let’s get in formation.

Cuz we slay.

Another year single, another year ready for a pringle. Am I right?

Look, there are only so many ways that I can try to make you feel better about being single with me. Over the years I have written about what not to do to your single friends, I’ve given you the option of dating fictional men instead of real men, I’ve sent you a Valentine with David Tennant, I’ve made you collages, I’ve made romantic book lists.

I’m one hell of a Valentine if you ask me. Because for the people I care about I also bake things and drink wine with them and have a Galentine’s day if it’s on a weekend.

Damn. I’m so romantic and I didn’t even notice.

This year though, I thought I would try something different.

Online dating.

JUST KIDDING THAT’S THE WORST. *laugh crying emoji*

Here’s what I would like to say to you this year:

Treat yo self.

That’s right. I’ve decided (since I’ve turned 30 and ain’t nobody putting a ring on this finger any time soon.) that I will date myself, so to speak. In that I now buy myself relatively expensive presents for my big events.

Because I’m going to die alone in a pile of dogs. #livingthedream

This year I have my eye on a sweet purse that has bananas on it. Because I’m an adult.

You know you’re awesome, you have to by now because I’ve been convincing you for years. You hustle like a champ and all the good things will come your way. And if they don’t, then they weren’t meant for you.

Love isn’t something that is to be forced, it will show up when it is meant to happen and the only thing to do in the meantime is live your life the way you want to because someday you’ll be knee deep in a relationship and these days are the ones you’ll look back on and think “Yeah. I set myself up to be who I want to be and that’s what got me here.”

Or you’ll think “Man. I miss when I could sit around with no pants on and I only had to forage for food for one person.” If you’re lucky, your future significant other will also like not wearing pants while watching TV and will be the kind of person who buys surprise pizzas instead of flowers.

Because flowers are the goddamn dumbest thing to bring a person. Stop bringing things home that can die, bring home things we can eat. (I know you feel me ladies!)

Romantic entanglements aren’t the only things that matter in life. You do you girl!

Man, sometimes I get really serious.

Probably because I hate when I chirp myself for being single so I get mad when I think others are doing it to themselves! Good thing I have some friends who are good with throwing encouragement at me like it’s a confetti parade and give me a hard slap of reality when I need it.

Happy Valentines Day you sons of bitches.

Use the search button to find other such inspirational posts from years of yore. It’s worth it. But I’m biased because I wrote them.

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Work it Out

Work It Out

Good morning!

Last month whizzed by and now here I am on the first of February thinking about what my new goals will be for the month. Because part of my New Year Resolution is to make new goals every month.

January goals went pretty well! I kicked my Tim Hortons habit! (Bye bye French Vanillas! *sobs*) I started a new workout regime to get to my newest goal: Fit into my Maid of Honour dress. I’ve been eating better, and better still, not getting on the scale three times a day to see if the salad I just ate made me lose ten pounds magically.

Now, since today is the beginning of a fresh month I’ve decided that I will weigh myself once a month now instead of every day to watch my progress.

Turns out: That was stupid of me.

I’ve been feeling really great in my body, I’ve been having less stomach problems, I’ve got more energy, feeling really great, feeling like I don’t really NEED the homemade cappuccinos anymore (even if they are only 90 calories). Just all around kicking ass!

Until I stepped on the scale. I haven’t lost any weight. At all. Which really bums me out because I SWEAR I was thinning out around my middle. I just had a mini flip out because WHAT THE HELL IS ALL THIS FOR IF I’M NOT LOSING WEIGHT WILL I FIT INTO MY DRESS WILL I EVER GET THE BODY I DREAM ABOUT HOW COME NO ONE LOVES ME IS IT BECAUSE I’M THIS GIANT PIECE OF —-

Whoa Nelly. Look, progress reports are important when you are trying to hit a goal. But to get on the scale and start berating myself after an entire month of happy happy joy joy was really surprising. I thought that I would be like “Ah well, better luck next month!” get off the scale and go about my day. But instead I was thrown back into an old habit and worse, an old way of thinking.

So my goals for this month are: Be kinder. (Yes, that’s the same as last month and should always be a goal.) Change my way of thinking of my body. Treat myself better. No scale until March 1st. Doing something nice for someone. Learn to say ‘No’ to things. (That’s a big one, I’m not what you would call well off financially and I keep saying ‘Yes’ to things I shouldn’t.) Stand up for myself at least once this month. And as ever: Practice piano.

That one is actually proving to be the hardest to get to.

Anyway, if you are wondering what my work out regime is currently, you can find it here:

MyPeakChallenge

I’m finding it to be so unbelievably doable, especially for anyone with a sedentary job or is new to working out. I also like that there is no “30 Day to a New You!” tag on it or anything like that. It’s a year long program that’s suppose to help you reach your own goals.

And it’s run by hot Scottish guys, so there’s that. I’m talking Sam Heughan from ‘Outlander’ is part of it. And it’s so nice to not be yelled at while working out, even from a video. Like they are laughing sometimes. Which makes me laugh! I love that!

Anyway, follow me on Instagram if you want to watch my stories on this program unfold.

It’s mostly me laying on a mat sweating my balls off praying to Beyonce to help me.

Keep moving forward!

 

Biography, Comedy

Paddle Your Own Canoe–Nick Offerman

If Mindy Kaling is my spirit animal, Nick Offerman is my disgruntled guardian angel.
He has a special way of speaking and writing that is so inviting I’m looking forward to his other works.

This book is so chock-full of wisdom that you come away a better person. Or at the very least, with some words of wisdom on how to not be a dick.

And a person who feels like they can paddle their own canoe and just “do you”, so to speak.

His stories about person and professional triumphs and failures made me feel like I’m not alone in this world and that here, here is a kindred spirit of wildness and subtleness, someone who while also being quite reserved, has a filthy mind. A kindred spirit who knows that working with your hands is one of the most rewarding things on the planet and that looking at something you made is important (no matter what it is.) especially if you put your heart and soul into it.

He made me realize certain things about myself that I wouldn’t have otherwise known or recognized if they came along. And not just about “paddling my own canoe”, but what I would want in a relationship, friendships, and dreams I’ve put on the back burner.

This man is a unique and forthright person and I’m so happy for him that he found a person who loves him and supports him and has a filthier mouth and mind than he does.

It’s good to know that Megan Mullally and Nick are together and love as much as they can and are complete goons together. It’s just so nice to read.

Even if he’s talking about a song he wrote where he’s doing her in the ass.

Constant vigilance! …That’s an unfortunate phrase right after that sentence.

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Keep Moving Forward

KMF: My Airplane Mask.

Lately something has been happening to me that I feel I should talk about since I’ve been refusing to acknowledge it.

For the last couple of months I have been in an odd state of depression.

I say ‘odd state’ because I don’t think I need to be medicated, it’s not that bad, I consider this a bit of winter hibernation.

For me, this depression snuck up on me. I was getting grouchier, sullener, I was getting restless, while simultaneously not wanting to get out of bed for no particular reason. I was shutting down and closing myself off from people all because of one thing:

Snow. I feel like I’m being buried over here for months. Cut off from the world. And soon my insides matched the outside.

However, as much as “the winter blues” have gotten to me this year, I think it’s been something more than that.

I am a single 28 year old, living with my family, I work in a job that I love, and I see my friends on a semi-regular basis. (The perfect amount for an introvert.)

None of these things had been completely bothering me, not on their own and not as a group, sure, I had days where it felt snowballed and that nothing was going to change ever and I was always going to be in a perpetual state of waiting for something to happen to me in this tiny town where nothing of great significance ever happens to me.

Unless you count leaving.

This past week I went to see a palm reader for fun and she immediately saw in my hands that I had been depressed in the last few months.

Lady, how could you see something in my hands that I didn’t notice for months?

When I finally told my best friend the other day, not out of a call for help, but out of a ‘Hey, this is going on so here’s what I’m going to do about it because I refuse to let myself sink’, she said to me “I didn’t even realize.”

Well how could you when I didn’t either?

The palm reader also told me that the way I set my hands down means I’m an extremely private person. Therefore, no one would know unless I told them.

Which a few weeks before I saw her I talked to my little sister about it.

The funny thing is, I still don’t feel like how people describe being depressed.

I was down, but not out. I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel, I can still pick up books and read them and enjoy them, I can still play with my baby cousin and be happy.

But there is a steady thrum of stress happening to me and a certain anxiety to be moving coupled by the bigger emotion of staying put.

Something was holding me down.

The palm reader also mentioned that several people in my life are emotional vampires which is why I’ve been sick so much and that I had a serious situation involving my immune system recently. Hello being in the hospital for intense case of bronchitis where my lung was super inflamed and hurt like a motherfucker and felt like I popped out a rib. She told me that with this amount of people sucking my life energy all the time it’s no wonder that I can’t lose weight or get a hold on what I want to do with my own life.

I’m too busy trying to please other people.

Which, if you’ve met me, you’re laughing hysterically because I’m a mouthy son of a bitch who will tell you where to stick your expectations of what I SHOULD be doing or SHOULD be acting like or SHOULD be wearing, etc, etc.

The problem is, she’s not wrong. In a way, I do try to people please because I hate confrontation and I hate disappointing the people who are important to me.

And THAT’S where I realized where my frustration and depression was stemming from.

Other people’s expectations of what I should be like and how I was treating myself because I’m not like them and not doing what they think I should be doing.

I’m different. (Which she also pointed out. Why are the lines of my hands betraying my secrets?)

She told me there is a serious bully in my life. And I’m sure she read what I already knew but she had the tact to not say who it was. But I’ll tell you because it’s a big deal.

Me.

And if I was a separate person from myself who talked to me the way that I do in my head than I wouldn’t be that persons friend. I would tell them that I don’t need that sort of bashing in my life and that they need to figure out what is going on because they are so harsh that I think they have a problem. What’s wrong with their self esteem that they need to pick on another human being like that? What are you suppose to do when that person is yourself?

For months, nothing. I went through the motions of looking and acting like I normally would. Not realizing what was building.

I should have. I should’ve known the minute that I started to not want to go to work. I absolutely fucking love my job. I get to hang with my cousins all day and those kids are the funniest kids and so cute.

And if you had seen the way that the baby had a meltdown when he realized I wasn’t going with them on vacation than you would’ve been like “Yes. This is a love filled job and life.”

The fact that I stopped writing Keep Moving Forwards and that my posts have been willy nilly was another red light. And that I haven’t been writing in general. I couldn’t even force myself to really go through the routine of writing for you guys to give anyone a sense of hope or inspiration because I lost mine.

I lost my airplane mask so there was no hope to help anyone else put theirs on.

So. Even though I’m not a case for a doctor visit and it sounds as though I’m denying a serious situation, I’m really not. This is me acknowledging what is happening and trying to find the toe hold to get back up.

This is what is happening to me. And this mild depression could be happening to you. Or if you are completely unlucky as some of my friends have been, you are worse off than me in this circle jerk of unhappy thoughts and non-movement.

What are we supposed to do then? Keep going around? No.

Talk. Talk it out, talk to someone, anyone, if you feel like your family or friends can’t handle listening to you anymore, do not shut yourself out, off, or up. Call a helpline, call your doctor, call a therapist, call someone. If you feel like you can’t do that, journal. Who can help you more than anyone? Yourself. That’s who. You are in charge of your own life and the one person who needs to take care of you is you. So journal, write a song, bake a cake, call a friend, paint, knit, sew, take a walk, just move. Get up. Because if you get up that’s the first big important thing you can do for yourself. Just getting up is half the battle.

And if you can’t get up?

Know that even if you are an emotional vampire, I’ll still listen until and after it makes me sick.

Write to me if you need a pal who won’t judge or tell you what you want to hear. I’ll call it like I see it while also not being a super peppy cheerleader even though I’ll be rooting for you.

Email me at: derangedlibrarian@gmail.com

Keep moving forward.

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Keep Moving Forward

KMF–February Reboot

In the eternal words of Matthew McConaughey:

All right, all right, all right!

This Saturday is my reboot. My personal New Years because I rang in the New Year half dead on the dining room table while my family forced me to play the Pride and Prejudice board game I got for my mom for Christmas.

After all my cuckoo bananas health nonsense I think I’m finally in a place where my lungs could take it if I worked out.

So this weekend I will be using February as my New Years, feel free to count down with me so it feels legit.

Because this time I’m going to be too legit to quit.

I’ve suffered from serious self-esteem hits lately because I’ve gained another 10 pounds.

Okay, to be fair, 7 of those I lost and gained back from when I had that crazy case of the Up Chucks in December.

Well, those are back and I’m disappointed I didn’t keep them off, but hey, I kind of saw that coming. What with Christmas and all manners of holidays happening.

I can only hold off on eating my moms broccoli casserole for about 2 seconds before I’m like “Pffft worth it.” And eat my weight in it.

Now, this isn’t just a reboot of my body, it’ll be a reboot of my mind. I’ve been all over the map recently with my headspace and unfortunately everything is annoying the Hell out of me. So I need to sort out what I’m going to do with that.

I’m thinking nightly meditation while looking at pictures of Rupert Grint.

That’ll cheer me up and calm me down. And then I’ll weird dreams where we live in a house together and only do things like hold hands and have pet chickens while somehow the basement of our house is really a giant swimming pool. Then we will swim together and lay on the beach (which is somehow also in the basement) and have to be under an umbrella and in vintage bathing suits due to our mutual paleness, covered in sunscreen and eating Reeses Pieces….

What was I talking about?

Ah well, I feel calm already.

Ooooommmm OOooommm Iiiiiii’m in love with Ruuuupert. Iiiiii’m in love with Ruuuupert.

Wait. That’s not right.

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Sometimes you just need to laugh at Tom Hiddleston losing his composure.

Keep moving forward.

Keep Moving Forward

Keep Moving Forward: The Candy Cane Queen Has Spoken.

There has been so much going on lately that I don’t know what to update you on first. But I think we all need a little ‘Keep Moving Forward’ so here it goes:

I’ve decided diets can kiss my big fat butt. They can lovingly say goodbye to my Mighty Oak thighs. They can tell my stomach ‘Aahh buh-bye’.

All of this came in a revelation of guilt and sadness as I finished a bowl of candy cane ice cream. You know the kind with chunks of candy cane and chocolate crackle that you can only get this time of year? The ice cream that we buy in threes because we eat it every night because it’s frickin’ awesome?

Yeah. That ice cream gave me a revelation about myself.

Fuck dieting. It only makes me feel sad and terrible and I beat myself up when I go off it.

So I’m done.

Don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean that I’m literally going to go eat a tub of this ice cream. Or start eating fast food again, or pop, or anything that actually makes me feel like garbage and have gut rot. But I would rather have my holiday treat in a little ramekin and be a happy little duck that such a treat exists and I have the money to afford it. I would rather be “fat” and happy than “thin” and live in a world without super delicious foods.

I put those in quotations because I don’t actually believe I am fat. I HAVE fat, but I am not 100% made up of fat. So even if I weeble and wobble in places, that doesn’t mean I don’t have bones, muscles, or functioning organs roaming around in my body making up other parts of myself right alongside all my thoughts and tiny little heart and brain things that make me uniquely ‘Alli’.

Fat is a tissue not a mental issue.

This is not a ‘Giving Up’, this is a mental health thing. I’ve been beating myself up for being something I’m not and treating myself like something that should be super-human instead of what I really am.

A girl who enjoys food. Sorry I’m not sorry. I’ll try anything once and even sometimes give it a round two just to be sure.

I refuse to let myself be a person who will talk to herself like she’s trash just because she has some pudge. I’m more than the fat on my body and the food I put into my mouth.

I feel ridiculously free and relaxed by letting go this constant hamster-wheel of self-loathing. It’s quite empowering to look at my body and think ‘You are hot, not “even with” but BECAUSE OF your powerful thighs, your big round butt, and the softness of your stomach. They are just body parts girl, and they are working in your favour.”

No matter what shape or size I am, I will ALWAYS be pretty as long as I have a smile on my face and friendship in my heart. So suck it society.

I know that I can change my diet and work out if I want to be smaller. I don’t WANT to be smaller. I just want to be physically fit even if that means I stay the same weight or gain weight from muscle. For that, I can just work out more and be more mindful that while I’m not on a diet I’m still going to eat all my greens because I like them and not mentally kick my own ass when I eat something on the “NO NO NO” list. I would much rather work out than stop eating fun food.

The last five years has been a journey to this point. Hell, I’m sure the last 28 years have been a journey to this point.

I’ve done everything to lose weight and while I have successfully lost 20-50 pounds off and on from random diets and magical “cures”, I would much rather just look in the mirror and go “Hey Beautiful, someone will love your wobbly bits. And from now on that someone is you. Work it sister.”

That’s legitimately how I talk to myself. I’m my own sassy best friend.

Candy cane ice cream has saved my self-esteem. Who knew?

Keep moving forward, quit fat shaming yourself, and eat that fucking ice cream. THE CANDY CANE QUEEN HAS SPOKEN!

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