Happy V-Day!

Okay ladies now let’s get in formation.

Cuz we slay.

Another year single, another year ready for a pringle. Am I right?

Look, there are only so many ways that I can try to make you feel better about being single with me. Over the years I have written about what not to do to your single friends, I’ve given you the option of dating fictional men instead of real men, I’ve sent you a Valentine with David Tennant, I’ve made you collages, I’ve made romantic book lists.

I’m one hell of a Valentine if you ask me. Because for the people I care about I also bake things and drink wine with them and have a Galentine’s day if it’s on a weekend.

Damn. I’m so romantic and I didn’t even notice.

This year though, I thought I would try something different.

Online dating.

JUST KIDDING THAT’S THE WORST. *laugh crying emoji*

Here’s what I would like to say to you this year:

Treat yo self.

That’s right. I’ve decided (since I’ve turned 30 and ain’t nobody putting a ring on this finger any time soon.) that I will date myself, so to speak. In that I now buy myself relatively expensive presents for my big events.

Because I’m going to die alone in a pile of dogs. #livingthedream

This year I have my eye on a sweet purse that has bananas on it. Because I’m an adult.

You know you’re awesome, you have to by now because I’ve been convincing you for years. You hustle like a champ and all the good things will come your way. And if they don’t, then they weren’t meant for you.

Love isn’t something that is to be forced, it will show up when it is meant to happen and the only thing to do in the meantime is live your life the way you want to because someday you’ll be knee deep in a relationship and these days are the ones you’ll look back on and think “Yeah. I set myself up to be who I want to be and that’s what got me here.”

Or you’ll think “Man. I miss when I could sit around with no pants on and I only had to forage for food for one person.” If you’re lucky, your future significant other will also like not wearing pants while watching TV and will be the kind of person who buys surprise pizzas instead of flowers.

Because flowers are the goddamn dumbest thing to bring a person. Stop bringing things home that can die, bring home things we can eat. (I know you feel me ladies!)

Romantic entanglements aren’t the only things that matter in life. You do you girl!

Man, sometimes I get really serious.

Probably because I hate when I chirp myself for being single so I get mad when I think others are doing it to themselves! Good thing I have some friends who are good with throwing encouragement at me like it’s a confetti parade and give me a hard slap of reality when I need it.

Happy Valentines Day you sons of bitches.

Use the search button to find other such inspirational posts from years of yore. It’s worth it. But I’m biased because I wrote them.

Annual Valentine’s Rant.

Hello Humans.

With the couple holiday coming up you should know what is up next for us single people.

Hell.

Just kidding! Haha I like Valentines Day! All I meant was that it would be my annual “Buck up mother fucker!” speech because (ho ho, who would have guessed!) I’m still single and there isn’t any shame in that.

But instead I thought I would give some sage advice because I’m the wisest person in the room these days.

…I’m currently sitting by myself and the closest thing to a “live” creature in here is Doomsday’s ashes. … Awkward.

Okay. So here we are and I’m wired after I basically just slept through music lessons even though I drank a French Vanilla and now it’s finally hitting me! Useless caffeine!!! EEEEEE…

I’ll try to calm down.

All right. So, with the impending Valentines Day you are all likely thinking “OH YAY THE WALKING DEAD IS ON!” No? Just me and my sisters? …Awkward!

Cutting out hyper rigamarole : Here is “How to Interact with Single People”.

1.) Just don’t. Just fucking stop trying to talk to us. We like being alone. That’s why we are always alone. Just leave us to our Netflix binge watch and our cross stitching. We are happy little clams alone. Okay, that was a partial joke. You can talk to us. As long as you hand us candy first.

2) DON’T TELL US LIST:

Don’t tell us: “You’ll find someone someday.” Bitch I find people every day. And just as quick leave them behind. …That sounded kind of slutty. I just meant I interact with humans on a regular basis…you probably can’t tell given the awkwardness of this entire article so far. MOVING ON.

Don’t tell us: “You’re great, why aren’t you with someone?” ANSWER: I’m WITH someone all the time. ME. I’m fine. You can shut up though.

Don’t tell us: “I just want your life to start!” (This has actually been said to me by multiple people) Acca-scuse me? I believe my life started December 19th, 1986. And I’m still just as Goddamn cute. Just because I’m not romantically entangled does not mean that my life hasn’t begun. My LOVE life hasn’t really taken off, but that’s not the entirety of a person’s life. YOU on the other hand, need to get a life. Life life life life life life. Can I say the word enough? I’M SO HYPER.

Don’t tell us: “When are you going to get married?” Never. Moving on.
Don’t tell us: “Hey, I know someone that would be GREAT for you.” Never. Moving on.

Don’t tell us: “You just need to put yourself out there more.” Never. Never ever ever. In a German accent.

Don’t tell us: “You are too picky.” Picky isn’t something I associate with befriending humans. Picky is what I am with food. And I have yet to meet a person who is as delicious as food. …Except Matthew Lewis. That guy can get it. Don’t even try to tell me that Neville Longbottom isn’t a hot piece of cake. Just don’t.

Don’t tell us: “You should try online dating!” Ugh. Worst. Let me tell you something about online dating. That’s where human garbage generally lives. And they all message weird shit or dick pics. Ain’t nobody got time for that. I like dudes, but I don’t need someone messaging me their genitals and having it scare the shit out of me when I’m just scrolling along. Nobody needs to see your angry dick.

3) Give us your candy and be on your way. No explanation needed.

4) Talk to us like we are human. There is nothing wrong with being single. There is nothing wrong with waiting for the right person. There is nothing wrong with just hanging out trolling through life. Talk to me like you would your married friends because girl, I’m a person. I just don’t have someone attached to me by a legal document and matching rings.

5) Tell us how happy you are in a couple and we might throw up. Or mime throwing up. Or make that throw up motion behind your back. Or to your face. Mostly to your face. Because what do I have to lose, right?

6) Stop using the word “babe” when you are talking to or about your significant other. Babe is a pig. Are you calling your S.O. a pig? Why do you hate them? Also, if I hear you call them that I will ACTUALLY throw up. It’s the worst. Stop it.

7) Stop complaining about how big of a dick your S.O. is. Because my response will usually be something along the lines of: You should break up with that dick because god he sounds like the living worst. To which you always respond with “Hey! He’s actually the sweetest!” Where? When? What the actual fuck. The only things you’ve ever said about your S.O. were negative and complaining bullshit. When would I ever find out that they are the sweetest person alive when the only information you’ve given me is all evidence of douchebaggery?

And then you get mad at me and we can’t be friends anymore. Tale as old as time.

8) Stop telling me I just need to “get laid”. It was funny the first never times you said it and it’ll keep being funny until the never of never o’clock in Neverland on the second Tuesday of Novnever.

9) Accept my singledom. Because I have, and it’s fun. Never assume I’m completely lonely 100% of the time just because I don’t have a boyfriend. It’s maybe 12% of the time because I’m usually surrounded by people I love, like, and can tolerate the rest of the time.

10) You can tell me your Valentine’s Day plans and I promise not to make the barfing motion or be a dick about it because it’s actually nice that you and your lover made plans to bone. To bone and be nice to each other. We should put that in our calendars every day man.

Can you tell I’m coming down off my caffeine high? I’m starting to get nicer.

All right. Enough ranting. Keep moving forward. Listen to me, don’t listen to me, I don’t give a fuck, just stop being a dick. Be kind! Rewind!

Peace bitches. I’m off to spend the weekend with my spinster sisters and watch Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and then the Walking Dead.

Eat your heart out. (Haha…get it? Zombies would do that…they would eat your heart…nevermind.)

I’m so tired. I’m also so fancy. You already know.

Happy V-Day Bitches.

Keep Moving Forward: Valentines Day

Let’s talk about the international day of love that’s coming up, shall we?

Every year people get either all gooey eyed over it or up in arms.

I used to be up in arms with the troops of bitter people and all like “Boohoo, I have no one.”

To quote Dwight Schrute:

“False.”

I’m running on 28 years now of being a single lady and I’ve got to tell you, it’s not so bad. Because there is one perfect person out there for me. Unfortunately, he doesn’t know I exist.

I’m talking about Rupert Grint of course. But fantasy boyfriends aside, I’m pretty okay with being alone on Valentines Day because I’ve grown up enough to not let it ruin my life when the realization comes, yet again, that I do not have that Holy Grail of love:

Having a Valentine.

I heard the lady in the post office last week say “Ohh, it’s 10 days until Valentines Day! Got any nice plans?” to the woman in front of me.

In a way, I kind of wish the woman was like “No. I don’t have any nice plans. I do however have some sinister ones. I’m going to go around kicking puppies and popping peoples heart shaped balloons. What about you? Got anything devious set up?”

Valentines Day doesn’t bother me because I’m not a horrible downer anymore.

I love me. I love me so much that being alone doesn’t send me into a tailspin of emotion because that one special guy hasn’t found me yet and I haven’t found him. I actually get the feeling that when I meet that person it WILL be love at first sight. I’ve been relatively patient and try to be kind to guys because it can be just as scary talking to a girl as it can be talking to a guy, and although I’m extremely sarcastic I do try to talk to them now.

I didn’t used to. I would nod along and try to figure out an escape route because I knew that person wasn’t my person. Hell, I’ve tried a few times to gain some love experience with guys who weren’t my person and it was brutal. It felt like I was lying.

“You’re not it, so kindly remove yourself from my presence.” Was my general idea of men.

…What was I talking about? I’m finding that I’m rambling a lot more now. Haha.

Anyway, Valentines Day is a day not just of romantic love, although it does tend to lean towards that. And I’m more optimistic about stuff now that I like it just because people are kinder and gooey eyed about each other, I love seeing other people in love.

It’s like a fairytale.

Magical.

But, just because I’ve never known romantic love doesn’t mean I don’t know what love is or feels like. Which happens to be something that people get confused about when talking to me because they know these things about me.

Often from family members I get the ever eye-twitch inducing questions of:

When are you going to get married?

When are you going to have kids?

When are you going to get a boyfriend?

When are you going to meet a boy?

And yes. In that order. It’s like they start to lose faith the longer the conversation goes on for.

I’ve come up with the perfect (and nerdy) answer to all of these questions.

Prepare yourself:

“Oh, what business is it of yours what I do with my own things?”—Bilbo Baggins.

That’s right. Butt out.

I went bitter again. This post was supposed to be about being nice…damn it.

Look. The point is: Love yourself and ignore everyone else’s expectations of what your life is suppose to be like and just enjoy that the day is full of all sorts of love.

Do what my cousins do and have a spaghetti night on Valentines Day with their family, or do what I plan on doing and have a Harry Potter marathon while cross stitching dirty words onto stuff for your friends while eating a heart shaped cake that I made for my family and drinking some cheap ass wine.

Because Valentines Day is about love. And nothing says love like cross-stitching “Anything is a dildo if you are brave enough.” And framing it for your best friend.

Happy V-Day bitches.

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Love Story

Okay, so I thought long and hard about this for about 24 hours. Or five minutes, whatever, you don’t know my life!

I thought about all the lovely things I could do for you guys today, what books you should read, what you can do instead of being sad that you don’t have someone (if you don’t, I’m sure some of you do) and just generally trying to lift your spirits if they are down or enhancing them if they are already up.

I was going to do another Love Stories list, favourite quotes, all that jazz but then I really and truly searched my books, my soul, and my heart and thought there was only one love story that I think you should read this year. (No, it’s not Harry Potter. That’ll be the first shock since I’m always promoting the several different kinds of love stories in it from friendship to romance…okay, forget it, go read Harry Potter!)

But seriously, sure, you can read all the Jude Deverauxs you want, they are good love stories. (Hell, I’m reading Wild Orchid today.) But of all the love stories I’ve read and enjoyed there is one that is both friendship and romance rolled into one. Where the female isn’t perfect and the male isn’t some dirt bag with a heart of gold.

If you haven’t already guessed, I’ll tell:

Outlander. Diana Gabaldon.

That’s it. That’s my one and only suggestion for today. You go and get that book and I guarantee you won’t be able to put it down and you’ll even be happy that these characters are together and completely forget that you are alone. If you are. Like I said, some people have romantic entanglements today. Congratulations on finding your lobster.

Otherwise, don’t let the muggles get you down, go spend time with Jamie Fraser. We all need him in our lives. And Tom Hiddleston. Never forget Tom Hiddleston.

Seriously, I think I’m going to have an Avengers marathon tonight. Who needs a boyfriend when you have Loki?

Constant vigilance, love and light, be kind to yourself little ducks.

Vancity Valentine

As you may have guessed from recent (and past) posts, I’m single. What a travesty, right? I’m pretty and awesome and have a unabashed love for dude-type things. (Re: My addiction to watching Lethal Weapon every summer, and my love of all things Joss Whedon. Not to mention my increasing collection of action figures and plans for a new tattoo.)

So, what am I doing being single?

Living my life. (Or according to my Nonna, I just don’t want people to bother me. She’s not wrong.) You see, I also have a serious case of Sarcastica Influenza. And a big huge bleeping Bullshit Detector. Therefor, guys of this lovely hipster brofest twerking Hot or Nah era, are promptly rejected when they come a sniffin’. Also, I kind of have a Bitchy Resting Face, so I scare people when I’m just hanging around. It’s kind of fun. Until you make a kid cry. Anyway.

That being said: I love Valentines Day. Oh yes, yes, it’s all that Hallmarky lovefest fakery to some. And people go over board, stress themselves out, and whatnot. But for one shining day most of us are glowingly in love, expressing love, or just in general being kind to one another.

Yes, people get down about not having a significant other or someone to celebrate with. To you I say: CELEBRATE WITH ME!

No I am not hosting a mixer for lonely hearts. (That’s in your church basement, seek it out. What have you.) Tomorrow I will be throwing some of my favourite love quotes at you and a list of books that will guide you to a great love story. Don’t fret if you don’t have a Valentine, I’ll be your Valentine.

Fret if you can’t find something to munch on while reading said love books. Personally, I will likely be eating a box of chocolates, drinking some cheap ass wine, and watching Tangled (Or Braveheart, I haven’t decided. Oo, or Captain America. Nothing says Love like Chris Evans pecks.) with Doomsday and celebrating that she made it through her surgery and has no immediate plans to kill me after I put a cone on her last night.

Be kind to one another, yourself, and don’t bash people who are in love, that speaks more to how you look at yourself than what you think of them.

Unless they are throat deep in a make out session. Then throw things. That’s just gross. I highly suggest carrying around cherry tomatoes it looks like fun to hit people with vegetables. (I’ve been watching a lot of Merlin lately, that guy is in the stocks a lot. I want to nail someone in the head with a tomato so hard.)

Constant vigilance, love and light.

Your Vancity Valentine

P.S: I really just love heart shaped things, so it’s like my own personal doodles are everywhere. Timmy Hos ‘I Heart You’ donuts here I come!

Plum Lovin’–Janet Evanovich

I forgot you guys yesterday! I’m so sorry! If it makes you feel any better, I was eating at a cute little french-ish cafe and had a sub-par sandwich. But the macarons made up for it. Anywho!

A Between-the-Numbers book with Stephanie Plum looking for a little love advice. Diesel makes an appearance, which I love! I love a man with a dirty sense of humour and a little mysticism about him.

   Where I love that Joe Morelli just does things like looks down her shirt and sighs and then leaves because he’s too busy, or where Ranger just kisses Stephanie so she can feel it in her toes, I love that Diesel just goofs around with her. Never does anything without her permission and is just a complete sweetheart.

 So sue me, I like big men with hearts of gold.

 Like that’s a goddamn crime!

 ….I don’t know why I’m yelling at you. Okay. So plot of this was really great, Steph’s bond evader is a love guru. A love guru who is pretty unhelpful.

 Good book! Read it for fun!